That Got Weird, Quick

So I'm watching the Maury Povich show, like right now. Where do they find these people? Could they be hiring actors to play out whatever erupts from the producer's minds? Jerry Springer used to do that, but by then they were doing "Strippers abducted by UFO" stories. Obvious BS.

The stuff on Maury sounds...plausible. And it's always, always, one simple premise: "Are You The Baby Daddy!?!?!?!?" They will never, ever, run out of people to put on these shows. Well, maybe if people stop having sex. Sometimes they'll switch it up. From the vanilla "are you the daddy?" to the exotic "did you father both of these women's babies?" to the saddening "I got 6 babies by 7 women" ( yeah, I said 6 by 7, you figure out how that works).

Meet Jamar (note: I made this name up)who was brought onto the show not by one, but by two separate women. Both of whom claim Jamar to be the baby daddy -ohhh, snap!

Pleas of "He's the only person I ever slept with" and "I'm 100% sure he's the daddy" are met by

"You stank ass tricks, I ain't nobody's baby."

Maybe Maury should spring for some grammar lessons in addition to the paternity test. Jamar is indeed the father, D'oh! Dude is screwed.


But here's the kicker....


Wait for it.....

The two girls -not women, girls - are cousins. Gross. Not from the dude's standpoint (Hey man, I just boned to cousins!) but from everything else. Look at the babies.

We're first cousins (once removed) AND half siblings. Yayyy!!!!

Gross. Is there even a spot on the chart for that?

Sasha Fierce

Oh heeeey. Beyonce is back. And pantsless. Yes! Those hips are ridiculous.



Now we see why Lady Gaga always wears a mask. Not to hate or anything...but seriously, that's probably why. Maybe she can pile on some more make-up (unlikely) and then try to hold a candle to Beyonce. Physically, that is. Aurally, she's fantastic. My friend's girlfriend went to high school with Lady Gaga - she's from NYC - and claims she's pretentious and full of herself. Never would've guessed that.

Peruvian's Take Fight Club A Little Too Seriously

Read this article. Read it, read it, read it. It's a real quick read. And if you don't read it, I've summarized! I'm that sweet.

Police in Peru have broken up a gang that allegedly killed dozens of people in order to extract and sell their fat for use in cosmetics, according to media reports.

So is that worse than getting murked for drugs in Mexico?

Two were arrested at a bus station while carrying bottles of liquid fat, he says. The suspects told police it was worth about $60,000 a gallon.

Sounds pretty lucrative.

Mejía said on of the suspects, Elmer Segundo Castillejos, told officers that the gang would cut off a victim's head, arms and legs, remove the organs, and then drain the fat into tubs.

Holy shit, I think I don't know if I'd prefer that or a bullet in the head. It's like that scene in Scarface where they cut off Angel's arm in the shower. Except they'd also chainsaw off his other limbs. And head. Then open him up and scoop up the fat. Probably through a straw. Eww.

At least that lends perspective to Bloomberg's subway ads.
Don't be fat! Otherwise chainsaw wielding Peruvians will, like BIG said, do you in. As in, mutilate your body, harvest your lard, and sell it to make Estee Lauder's new line of foundation.

The Precipitous Decline of Limp Bizkit

I try to read Slate.com. I really do. But it's just so hard for their writers to not come across as a bunch of smug, shit eating hipsters. It's like they write their stories then break out a thesaurus to replace every word with a 4 syllable (at least) synonym. Ever see that South Park where they move to San Francisco and everyone goes around inhaling their own farts? If those guys worked for a website, it'd be Slate. You're smart. I get it.

Vitriolic digression aside, they do have some compelling stories, if one can get through an entire article (not a trait you want in an online magazine, btw), like this story on Limp Bizkit.
Or, more correctly, this story defending The Bizkit.

Back in 2005 some dude asked a friend of mine, during a workshop of some kind, what kind of music we thought he listened to. "You look like you listen to Limp Bizkit". The guy stood there in stunned disbelief; like "did this kid really just say that?"This is in 2005, mind you. Just 5 years earlier they sold over a million records in a week. Those there be some Hannah Montana numbers. People must have liked them.What in the world changed opinion? Did they really suck? They were always -always - on TRL.Remember those TRLs? Remember rushing home after school to watch Carson Daly verbally fellate 'n slurp whatever band was on for the day? Remember the 10 minute commercial breaks? Remember them only showing about 2 minutes of each video only to return to commercial? Remember it being the SAME FUCKING VIDEOS on every single day until they mercifully "retired" them after 65 airings? Remember the empty feeling of "wait, why was I anticpating this so much" you felt immediately after? Good times.

So, did they really suck? If so, how'd they get so popular despite their suckitude? To find out I dug into my piles of junk and pulled out my burned copy (free at that) of their cd Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water. That's right. Judge me... asshole.

And yes, it does suck. Whatever the opposite of lyrical genius is, Fred Durst embodies it. Rolling is pretty great. Gotta love the guest spots by Redman, DMX, and the M-E-T-H-O-D, man.

Wu-Tang for life.

In retrospect, most popular music from that time sucked too (re: boy bands) so lets chalk their popularity up to that. And, btw, the blowhard Slate columnist JonahWeiner even admits they suck in the article.

Next Time: Linkin Park.

YES

Hibachi!

From the mouth of Gilbert Arenas

When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers.

http://basketbawful.blogspot.com/2008_07_01_archive.html

You Like That Republican Cock?

Long ago, when I first started this esteemed website, I planned on writing a multi part comparison on Washington DC versus New York City. Obviously, I never got around to finishing it. I used transportation or some other random rubric for judgment. I was going to compare other shit, like museums, nightlife, etc. but eff that.

But then I read a FANTASTIC, if not more than subtly biased, article about the DC social scene. I'll link to it later, but only after a massive, multi-paragraph lead in you'll soon grow sick of. Trust me, the article is hilarious.

During my last trip to the District I was astounded by one particular aspect: DC is full of ugly people. There are some seriously unattractive people in that city. A dearth of eye candy. Of any major metropolitan area I have ever been to, DC has got to be the least appealing, aesthetically. It wasn't like I was slumming it either, I was in Georgetown. And it wasn't like I had New York goggles on, everyone there was legitimately...ugly.

Of course, to compare such a beat city to NYC would've been just unfair. New York City, the city where girls walk their dogs through Washington Sq. Park whilst wearing make-up and stilettos. And not just one or two, like tons of them. Turning a lazy late afternoon reading of American Psycho on a park bench into an exercise in people watching. Which turns into NYU wannabe socialite girl watching. Which turns into you glazing over the words in the book as you think of ways to shamelessly hit on one of them. Which, in actuality, they're expecting. Because seriously, who walks their dogs in stilettos?
So you get up and move over to Tompkins Sq. Park aka Heroin Sq. Park . And there tons more girls there, all fully made up adorned in mini skirts and heels, and you think " I fucking love this city." Until you come across the East Village Girl. The EVG is the white chick with dreads who looks like she hasn't showered since Ja Rule was getting top-40 spins. Who in reality hasn't showered since then. How else does she turn that smooth flaxen hair into a tangled birds nest. The girl with a little too much hair on her forearms and probably spends her Saturday nights in Williamsburg warehouses "dancing" with dudes wearing jean shorts (designer, of course).

The point of yet another anti hipster tangent: the East Village Girl is still more desirable than what DC has to offer. I was hanging out with a fellow alum in DC one time when she casually mentioned explained why she chose the District over NYC.

Her: I feel like I have more opportunity down here.
Me: Wait, sexually? Or career-wise?
Her: Both.

And there you have it. DC, where people who couldn't cut it socially resign themselves to living. Or a place to go is you're not shallow enough to get dressed up for a dog walk (aka unattractive). [And yes, that previous statement is based entirely on anecdotal evidence and there is limited verifiable proof to back up my assertions]So, I wondered, how does a clubgoer go out in a city?


And then I came across this, THE article. Turns out most of the hot, desirable poon and eligible poon chasers all congregate together via Late Night Shots. A veritable Facebook meets Juicy Campus of the Washington DC douchebag social scene.

Late Night Shots caters to Washington’s hard-partying preppy crowd. Think of a new generation of young Republicans getting trashed at St. Elmo’s, hooking up, then writing about it at 3 in the morning. The bar-scene-themed Web site launched in late spring 2006 and has since branched out to four other cities. But it’s nowhere near as popular anywhere else as it is here in D.C. Founder[s]... say they make enough money from Google ads and banner ads to abandon outside employment.

Can't hate on the founds for turning social networking into some smooth cash. But I thought blabbing about take-downs to anyone willing to listen went out with Juicy Campus. It's expected you tell your friends, but announcing it to all - and conversely searching for hook up gossip seems pretty petty. I guess in the real world who's banging who talk is still all the rage.

The online profiles show a population dominated by good- looking blondes and smirking guys with athlete’s shoulders. They attended the University of Virginia,.. UNC, and a smattering of pretty-good-but-not-Ivy schools in the South and Mid-Atlantic.

Pssh, losers.

But they do have some great euphemisms for getting ass

lingo ranges from abstruse to obvious. In addition to “takedowns” and “going to poundtown” or “PT” (getting laid),

Nice, the takedown is a classic, if not very one-sided. Poundtown sounds like a fun as hell amusement park. The amusement park loses value, however, when a pick up line like "you like that republican cock?" can get you in there. I'm going to the next NYC Young Republicans event, single out the one girl that looks like she might be into black guys and BOOM! hit her with some across the aisle bipartisan, interracial intercourse. Because, seriously, how many black GOPers do you know?


http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/display.php?id=2008

Hipsters: Making Fat Cool

In a bit of news which can only originate in Williamsburg: beer bellies are now cool?

The push for popularizing pre-paunch protuberances is being led, of course, by those oh so chic hipsters. Read this article, by the New York Times no less, more proof that hipsters suck

“I sort of think the six-pack abs obsession got so prissy it stopped being masculine,” is how Aaron Hicklin, the editor of Out, explains the emergence of the Ralph Kramden. What once seemed young and hot, for gay and straight men alike, now seems passé. Like manscaping, spray-on tans and other metrosexual affectations, having a belly one can bounce quarters off suggests that you may have too much time on your hands.

At least this guy is right about spray-on tans.

The full article available here.

Or, maybe its the Times' fault. For irresponsibly printing an article rooted entirely in anecdotal evidence.

Youth Wars

That's Darth Vader next to Harrison Ford (James Earl Jones was only his voice, fool). Chewbacca is the giant dude in the back. You can guess which one is R2D2.

Original image HERE

I wish we could see how long Harrison's and Peter Mayhew's (Chewie) ties are. David Prowse's (Darth Vader) tie is way short. Makes me wonder is short ties were a 70s thing. I've been seeing these short ties around lately, but usually as a function of the dude having some enormo-steroidal knot using half the tie fabric. I'd fuck with a short tie. It reeks of nerdy chic.

I had a stat teacher in high school named Mr. Seaman. His wife was preggers when I enrolled in his class. One day someone in our class suggested he name the child "Chewbacca." Mr. Seaman, naturally, asked the student if this stemmed from their (Mr. Seaman and the student's) love of Star Wars.

Nope.

We'd be able to call his kid Chewie Seaman.

I must've laughed for the entire class period after hearing that.

Weekend Relief

Growing old sucks. Like really sucks. I just realized that over some Coors Light, Sun Chips, and steak.

No.

I actually realized that when I graduated college.

But a big part of growing old is maintaining one's health. That's pretty tantamount, there. So after these same Coors Lights, Sun Chips, and steak I know I'll be hitting the gym. Downing some protein. And munching on some...multivitamins. Those multis are definitely a plus. Need to keep those prostates in tact. It's crazy to think that we'll have to actually think about prostates. That in itself scares me. From having it occasionally fingered during a beej to having it violated, annually, by latex clad hands and cold metal.

Need those multis.

I'm a big fan of Source of Life.

I have a friend. He's not into multivitamins. But he takes zinc pills. Just zinc. Because all you need is zinc. Zinc, zinc, zinc. Ziiiiiiiiiiiiinc. What the fuck does zinc do, anyways?

He takes zinc so he can blow huge loads. Huge fucking loads. Right onto his boyfriends face.

Because he "loves giving facials".

It's good to see people better their health for the most superficial of reasons. Shit, it's the only reason for the existence of gyms. I can't remember ever seeing an actual fat person at the gym. ...If only lifting weights somehow also enabled you to blast some giant, Peter North type loads. It'd be the most superficially beneficial thing ever. Tons more guys would go to the gym.

Facial have to be something gay couples do better than heteros. I've never messed with a girl who'd be down for a Houdini. At the very best, they've had pretty salty (HA!) reactions to it.

I need to met some new girls.

So I put my friend onto the Source of Life, because it has 100% dv of zinc.

Anyways, this story reminded me of this video. You remember Trillville, right?

Man, this is one of the dirtiest songs I've heard since Oochie Wally. Or How Many Licks.


You know what the best part of this song is?

The dude singing falsetto in the background. Listen to him say my balls in the hook.

Tests to Determine is You've Even Seen a Drug

Richard Gasquet is a 23 year old French tennis player. And an avid fan of going shirtless in Romanian strip clubs.

After a positive cocaine test, tennis' governing body had banned him for 2.5 months. He faced a much, much, longer suspension unless he could come up with a damn fucking good reason why the white gold was in his system. Gasquet:

convinced an independent anti-doping tribunal that he ingested cocaine by kissing a woman he met at a nightclub in Miami.

Sounds pretty lame, but the three member panel of judge/jury/executioner said

Gasquet consumed no more than "a grain of salt" of the drug.

So...anyone else a little chilled by this story? Not for the making out with the coked out girl or having that story fly in court...but by there being a test which can detect "a grain of salt" of cocaine in your system.

Holy shit, yo, they probably have tests to determine if you've been within 20 feet of the stuff. Aren't druggies supposed to be one step ahead of the system? How on earth have drug tests advanced this far, yet no strain of untraceable Super Cocaine exists. What the hell are they doing down there in Colombia?

Sure stimulants like caffeine help better athletic performance, but wouldn't cocaine negatively affect performance? I'm pretty the last thing on any player's mind in the midst of a 5-set marathon on a hot January day in Australian is going back to the locker room and blasting a mammoth line. But hey, I'm probably wrong. If athletes want to inhibit themselves, so be it. Tennis should just go back to providing adequate security and preventing randos dudes from STABBING the players DURING a match.

Such a shame, Seles as #1 too.

Story: http://tennis.fanhouse.com/2009/07/15/richard-gasquet-cleared-to-return/

This Can Only Lead to a Donald Duck Porno

Ever come across a piece of new so ridiculously astounding and yet of no particular meaning to almost anyone?

Lucky for you, I just did. If you saw the title of this story you figured it would be about duck cocks, you are one clairvoyant motherfucker.

Female ducks have evolved "maze-like" genitals with many twists, pouches and dead ends, in a bid to prevent rape and retain control of who fathers their offspring – while male ducks have evolved equally convoluted penises to keep up.

Now I know what you're thinking "but I took Dino Bio" and "dinosaurs, like their avian descendents, had a on size fits all- purpose, muliti-use hole to exchange genenetic information - the cloaca." Most birds do, except for ducks. Because

Ducks, especially mallards, are one of the few species of birds in which males will often rape females...In fact, of the 40 per cent of matings which are a result of forced copulations, only around four per cent are successful.

4 out of 10 matings, not just 4/10 female ducks, but matings in the duck world are rapes? Guess those crazy, maze-like vaginas come in handy!


Duck boy part on the right, girl part on the left

Full link here: http://www.cosmosmagazine.com/node/1277

Marion Barry is the Shit

With languishing sales and bankruptcy filings, how long do we have until newspaper editors stop giving two shits?

Thankfully, the tasteful editors at the Washington City Paper, threw caution to the wind when opining about the storied Marion Barry.

"...an incident that had occurred about 10 months prior, at the Democratic National Convention. At the time, Watts-Brighthaupt [the woman in question] was working on Barry’s ultimately successful re-election campaign and traveled to the Barack Obama-crowning affair. For reasons that remain murky, she ended up assigned to the councilmember’s hotel room in the Crowne Plaza hotel. Once behind closed doors, Barry allegedly asked Watts-Brighthaupt to perform oral sex on him. She refused, whereupon Barry threw her clothes out of the room and barred her from coming back in. She slept in the hotel’s parking garage, in a Cadillac Barry had rented."

And, as always some 100% authentic Marion Barry quotes,

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

And of course:

"Bitch set me up."

Russia to Exploit Africa, Denigrate to Boot.

Get it, get it! Denigrate! Get it! They’re going to insult it by making it black. Jokes on them, Africa’s already black.

Welcome to the game Russia, what took you so long? Euromericasian countries have been anally raping the Motherland for years. From slavery to Imperialism in the late 19^th century, even up through the 20^th century. Here’s a great idea: let’s have the World Bank give African countries loans they can’t possibly pay back for infrastructure projects they can’t possibly work. Power grids to nowhere? A random stadium in the middle of the jungle for one boxing match? Plenty of common sense there.

And there’s all the other stuff you’ve all heard in Diamonds are Forever. And know about Chinese oil companies pumping sweet, sweet crude out of West Africa to fund its pseudo-communist, child labor agenda.

Russia, following the Chinese, is also entering the fuck over Nigeria business. Per this news release

Russia's energy giant Gazprom has signed a $2.5bn (£1.53bn) deal with Nigeria's state operated NNPC, to invest in a new joint venture.

I bet Roman Abramovich is behind this somehow. But that's not even the best part of the story. This is.

The new firm, to be called Nigaz, is set to build refineries, pipelines and gas power stations in Nigeria.

Analysts say the move could further strengthen Russia's role in supplying natural gas to Europe.

That's right, the consortium will go by the name of Nigaz.

I hope this company becomes a public multi-national, I'd buy up that stock issuance in a heart beat. I'd be all about owning shares in Nigaz. And not just because of oil companies' intrepid machinations to make the world even more dependent on oil.

But rather, I would wake up every day and look down at my framed stock certificates and say the same thing Gerald O'Hara did when looked out onto his Tara plantation

"Look at those Nigaz making me money".

Or rather, I would wake up ever day and look down at my framed stock certificates and say the same thing Donald Sterling and Aubrey McClendon, owners of two respective NBA franchises, say

"Look at those Nigaz making me money".

Or rather, I would wake up ever day and look down at my framed stock certificates and say the same thing Gazprom's CEO says while surveying Nigerian oil fields.

"Look at those Nigaz making me money".

Ohh, the irony.

Word of the Week

Fusillade: rapid simultaneous discharge of firearms, a number of shots fired simultaneously or in rapid succession.

It's like this word came out of the GTA: Vice City. Or Menace To Society when that car pulls up at unloads - wait for a - a fusillade of bullets into Jada Pinkett's front lawn. Her kid was playing out there. Also, whenever I read that word I want to pronounce it "fullisade." Yay, dyslexia. Plus it sounds better.

So...the end of a bukkake video could described as a fusillade of...forget it.

Guess what article contained this beautful (in terms of euphony, not literal definition)word?


A Newsweek article about Mexico! Spring Break 2010: Vice City.

Meat Pie

Oh yeah, definitely need to try this one

Useful Advice for Everyone

(337): summer is not the time to consider going full bush.

So much for classing up this blog.

Trashy

I was a little taken aback when a peer, and fellow blog contributor (you're welcome to post whenever, douche) Pickle Surprise labeled this site "low brow garbage."

But man, I was reading some old posts...and this site is beyond garbage. It's pure trash. It's not like it happened on purpose, but I don't think I can produce any worse content had I tried. Really, it's like US policy in super fast forward. It started out promising was good for a while but then hit the G. W. Bush administration and completely fell apart. Except this blog was never that good. That being said I'm taking a step in the right direction and writing about legitimate, thought provoking topics.

In the next post.

But now we're going to play GUESS THE ETHNICITY.

In this inaugural version, I describe someone with whom I interacted with and you, my faithful reader(s) will guess his/her ethnicity. Here goes

Yesterday while standing in line to buy chap stick at CVS (it's damned expensive) I was behind a woman with golden hair. Which matched her 4 inch long golden acrylic fingernails. I impatiently watched while she bought not 2, or 3, or 4 but 5 packs of Newports. Newport Lights actually, because you have to go low tar when smoking menthol death sticks.

Guess away.

Also.

Thisiswhyyourefat.com. Splendid website. There really are a wide array of culinary concotions out there.

Like this. Looks innocuous enough right? Like a donut. Guess what it is?
Deep fried balls of pure Lard sprinkled with sugar. But yo, it's low carb!

This looks decent, but I'm a big fan of the "triple bacon cheeseburger with deep fried patties as buns." Tasty.

I guess I have a thing for Ads

Scour the site and you'll see my appreciation for the Vitamin Water and Snickers ad campaigns. Score one for H&M

This was on the back page of the AM NY last week (it's free, therefore I read).

Is it the cheek bones? The pose? The legs? Maybe even the dress.

This is easily the most alluring advertisement I've seen. In let's say...ever.

That's one attractive girl, if anyone knows who she is let me know, yo. The last time I've seen anyone look this good was when GQ inexplicably paired Daria Werbowy with Seth Rogen for a photo shoot. Guess they were going for juxtaposition of hot and hairy.

Interesting Shit

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Free Syphilis for All!

So I was over in Harlem. It was me and Lucy C. and we were chilling by ourselves. Both of us had popped a pill, and well that's all a lie. I was in Harlem though, unloading crack to some 9 year olds (it tastes like candy, yo. Delicious, delicious white candy).

That's actually another lie. I did go to Harlem, no lie. And I came across this spectacular item on E. 125th street.
YES x A Million. Put his picture up there and everything. I hope whoever did this went to Kinko's and plastered these things all over the neighborhood. If someone gave you Syphilis, you have to do this. Fuck being civil....you just contracted syphilis...that shit eats your brain.

Plaster these things all around the city. Put them in subways so random visitors see them. Oh, and be sure to put the person's name on it too. Don't forget the ads in the AM New York...and fuck it, the New York Times. Finally, don't forget to go tack them up in the offending person's apartment complex.

On sexually transmitted diseases...I was just thinking back to good old freshman year. That magical time when you first walk into your dorm knowing no one. I met one girl who told me the story of some dude she knew...who somehow attained ocular gonorrhea. That's right, gonorrhea....in your eye. I know one kid who used to walk around saying "Herpes...on your nose" obviously a joke...but gonorrhea in your eye is not.

The first thing you wonder is, how the hell do you get gonorrhea in an eye. Seriously, how? Well, I guess you have to have your eye where the gono is, and then there must be some sort of exchange of fluid... Huh, guess it wasn't so hard to figure it. But seriously, that eye must be all up in there if there's fluid exchange going on.

Serendipitious
As I type this post some episode of CSI is airing. Grissom and his hardly rag tag team of Crime Scene Investigators just cracked the case. Turns out the killer has AIDS, but he didn't know it!!! OH SHIT, how'd they figure out that he has AIDS?

Turns out that while the dude was stabbing a ho, some of her blood got into...you guessed it, his EYE. Boom, AIDS.

Next time you go down on a gonorrhea carrying groupie (not recommended) and next time you feel like stabbing a punk (stronlgy, not recommended) be sure to rock the Horace Grant look.
It'll keep syphilis and AIDs out of your shit.


Other Shit I Saw
Yeah, I know you care about the stuff I come across.

Also in Harlem, Phat Cribs Realty. Be sure to get your new apartment through this surely reputable realtor. Not to hate, but you really going to name your business that?

Then again, it is Harlem (W. 147th). So it's probably the number one broker amongs ignant black people. Mmm-hmm, good old fashioned racism.



Also in Harlem (W. 140), Jesus' Tacos. Little known fact about our Savior: at the Last Supper when he broke bread with his desciples, it was actually a tortilla.
From the Food Emporium in Union Square: Real Meals your kids will really love....to fuck. This little boy look like he's going back door on that slice of pizza. Yeah kid, go to town on that cheese. Could Kid Cuisine not find a less disturbing ad?So we all know Cholas reside in Washington (Dominican) Heights, but this restaurant was found in a decidedly un-Wash Heights, un-Dominican neighborhood. Sutton Place aka E. 59th aka the area featuring the most expensive rents in the city.

The proprietors decided since they were on 59th, it's in between Chola central (lets say the 150s and above) and Murray (Curry) Hill in the E. 20s-30s. Tha hill is best known for its Indian food induced stank. They combined the two and made Chola Indian Food. Right?...Right?

No? It's still a funny name for a restaurant.

Boner Jams '03

It's a collection of pornos I was really into Summer of '03.

Or in this case, it's a collection of songs I was really into over the Winter of '09. But me being me, I didn't get around to writing about it until Spring.

Does it piss anyone else off that Winter of '09 can refer to both January and December of the same year? How frustrating is that. Any other season you can break into specific 3 or 4 month brackets, but winter is just so fucking disparate. January and December? Might as well split the same Winter into two different years. But that'd just be fucking crazy. They should call it winter in January then something like "new winter" in December, just so people don't get confused. Whatever.

I was never into the Birkenstock wearing, hookah-smoking, chest-hair having, weed inhaling, acid dropping, old money faux hipster set. Especially when they got to blasting Phish.

But I do like me some Talking Heads. Nothing But Flowers is the trippiest song I've heard them put together. Like most of their tunes, the lyrics are kind of dumb and don't make much sense.

"this was a Pizza Hut, now it's covered with daisies"
"this was a discount store, now it's turned into a cornfield"

But it's so melodically intoxicating, you have to love this song. So, excuse me while I go slip on my sandals, eat some mushrooms, cover myself in mud, and do some spastic gyrations that I call
"dancing." It's the New England thing to do.




Go cop my album, go cop my album. I used to listen to the radio (ray-dee-oh?, what the hell is that). I used to love listening to Funk Flex screaming on the airwaves "go cop my album" like he was going to shoot you if you didn't. But I copped Drake's So Far Gone. I won't review it here, because everyone that reads this blog (all 4 of you) already owns it. But I will advise you to go listen to Unstoppable where Wayne hijacks the track.

Drake's verse is tight, ending a crescendo that only serves as an entrance to Weezy's verse. This dude can say the stupidest stuff and not only get away with it, but make it hot. No one else right now can do that. Hip-Hop enthusiasts should theoretically hate Lil' Wayne (and a lot of old school NYC type rap supporters do). This verse is thoroughly Wayne. Does he mention....

Sports? Check.

and when it comes down to stuntin
you boys is just buntin and
im swinging for the fence

Hilarious sexual imagery? Check.

she say i get that pussy wetter than a Dasani shop

And other random shit I was going to write about but am too lazy to do.



Also making the list of tracks I was really into:

Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby
One of the greatest songs of our generation, even though it's way stalker-ish if you listen to the lyrics.

My New Coffee Table Book

On my way to another swoll inducing diesel session at the gym today, I walked past a bookstore that featured this book in the window.
Fucking sweet. I glimpsed it and kept walking. Then did an about face to re-examine what I saw. Indeed the book is entitled Beards of our Forefathers. Amazing. I think I'm going to go back to that store and buy it just to put on my coffee table, despite not knowing a thing about it.

Update: I googled it, had to. It's a comic strip anthology...letdown, as it isn't a book about sweet beards.

I want to make said book. A coffee table talk piece about facial hair adorned by men, and women (I'm an equal opportunist, yo), throughout history.

From the great bearded general Ambrose Burnside...damn, look at those eponymous sideburns. Diesel...Hard Core...Sexy
To Tom Selleck



To this guy...courtesy of Look at this Fucking Hipster (www.LATFH.com)




Beards, the one thing not even hipsters can ruin.

Neither

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The Milk's Gone Bad, Charlie Murphy

The Milkshake Has Gone Bad!

Nasir Jones and one Kelis Rogers are getting a divorce. Her milkshake just wasn't tasty enough to keep Nas in the Yard.

There's nothing exceptional about this story, nor do I care about the personal lives of these two. Except maybe for Kelis being 7 months preggers. Tough time to be getting divorced, ya think? That and she forgets she doesn't wear underwear.


I just really wanted to use the milkshake line. I was also considering "I Drink Your Milkshake" from There Will Be Blood, but that makes no sense.

Peep the actual divorce documents HERE. How is this public? Did Vibe have someone staking out a courthouse just watching for celebrities to walk in and out? If you work as a court clerk and came across this paper, is your first instinct "I'm a sell this to Vibe!"?

If it is, I'm 100% positive you say "I'm a" and not "I'm going to." Because, let's be real, if you're putting people's private information out there like that you're kind of a douche. Or Selena Roberts aka Super Douche.

Word of the Week

or rather, of the indefinite future.

Usury: an exorbitant or unlawful rate of interest or fee for the use of money. The lending of money at exorbitant interest rates

I work at a bank and came across this word in a letter a pissed of client sent in. It's not every day I come across a word I've absolutely never heard of before. You see, I like to fashion myself as being intelligent. Even though I know I'm not. I mean, no intelligent person buys Alien vs. Predator 2 ...even if it was only $10.

I informed my multicultural cadre of acquaintances (one is Black, one is Jewish, and one is African. Black and African aren't the same. Africans hate Black Americans). Turns out, it was the Jewish one who claimed the to have the most experiences with the word. Oh man, I love stereotypes.

Greatness

Trudging onto an 8am A-Train on a beautiful (re: above 40 degree) spring morning only to face the prospect of wanting to commit suicide for the next 9 hours can put a damper on any one's day.

But once in a while you come across a gem to put a smile on your face. Courtesy of nougatiest, peanuttiest, chocolate bar out there: Snickers. And it's new language: Snacklish.

The company's ads (via agency TBWA\Chiat\Day) are pure New York City sub-terrestrial perfection. Anyone who has ridden the subway has also seen the multitudes of ads. It's a smorgasbord of ways to improve your life. Enlist in this college. Partake in that medical study (Are Painkillers a problem for you?). Have this procedure done to you. And so on. It's like the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) sold their soul...and still came up $1.2 billion short of the needed operating budget.

Like this ad for random college #1.
Off the top of my head there are ads for: Monroe College, Mercy College, Borough of Manhattan Community College, John Jay College of Criminal Justice, NYU School of Continuing Studies, etc...

Then there's this:
Hilarious.
These ads are barely clever, not particularly witty, and feel like they could have been created by any 14 year old kid. But I'll be damned if these aren't some of the funniest things I've seen. They're puns. The best and funniest literary device available. Hungerectomy? Shit man hysterectomies aren't even something to laugh about. But I did. Out loud.

If you do decide to leave this venerable website and google more ads, you'll find a variety of other ill-informed individuals (bloggers) taking offense to these ads. They can go eat a dick. They're obviously not from New York and can't appreciate the genius of an ad like this:
At least the Times can appreciate it. Don't get it? If not, you're not a NYC straphanger. It is a lampoon of this:The ubiquitous Dr. Zizmor ads for better skin and facial complex. Available for viewing on any 4,5,6,A,C,E,B,D,F,V, 1,2,3,N,R,Q,W, or L train. Maybe on the J,Z, M (ha, the Jizzz-'em train line) and G trains too. But I don't fuck with trains that go to Brooklyn. Jizz-'em train, that has to be made into some sort of sexual deviance. Kind of like Angry Dragon or Donkey Punch.

This guy promises better skin w/out surgery or botox or whatever. You can't see it in this ad, but he also allows for walk-in consultations with no money down and he accepts most credit cards.

So my question is, how is this guy still in business. This has to be scam, right? Doctor's don't advertise. Only sketch-holes who want to smear their baby juice on unsuspecting faces advertise...on subways no less. Anyways, here's a NY Times article on "the new Gatsby" Dr. Zizmor. Legend has it that his face appears in every 5th subway car.

Even the TV ad is hilarious. I'm still laughing.

April 25th

Boston, MA. 12:39 pm

• First sighting of skirts and sundresses in calendar year 2009

New York, NY. 4:51 pm

• First incidence of ball sweat

Bring on the summer.

Brooklyn, We Go Hard

There's been a heaping helping of hate over the last two posts. It's okay, though. Pickle Surprise just can't recognize truly great 6th grade literature, beauty, or mediocre music that gets you hyped. Typical Northern hip-hop elitist. But as long as I'm here, I'm going to take a sip from my Haterade bottle and piss it out all over this site. All in another rambling, non-sensical, but well-written post.

Thanks to Biggie, Jay-Z, and other rappers one can almost always find someone yelling out "Broooook-lyyyn" at any random event. Not just from Brooklynites, but from random people who probably have never been there but aspire to live the Brooklyn life. No, not the life of Jiggaman who grew up "having holes in his zapatos" but the life of the resident hipster. Those kids riding the L train back and forth from BK to Lower Manhattan - thank God they don't come north of 14th street. You often see them wearing their skin-tight, testicle smothering size 24 American Apparel jeans (I'm skinny as fuck and still wear a 33), pointy-ass shoes, un-washed dredlocks, and fedora all in creating a look that can be mistaken for "Avenue A homeless bum." Damn those fedoras. Those things crossed the line from being cool to incredibly played out in a heartbeat. It probably doesn't help that you can't walk past a single street vendor without one of those Arab immigrants trying to push one on you.

The worst is when you meet someone who should be in Brooklyn but somehow made it to Manhatten. You'll find these hipsters in hiding in the Lower East Side. Like that dbag bouncer at Thor. The anorexic gay guy who used to man the door was a badass. But he has been replaced wish some Adidas Samba wearing, Fedora adorned asshole. An asshole who calls people out for wearing Chucks (way higher on the night club sneaker acceptibility list) when he's wearing clunky ass sneaks. Those hipsters like the Haterade too, apparently.

All in all, I can't hate on the way someone dresses. Even if by non-conforming in their wears they are just conforming to the hipster dress code. Anyone else see the irony? What I do find hilarious, however, is how much one pays to look like a broke ass bum. You're doing well, you have money, you can't spare $5 to put some Pert Plus in those follicles? But somehow find $300 to spend on jeans that have more holes than continuous denim...And do you insist on not showering to show off you're natural musk?

This article from the New York Observer on the gentrification of the Hipster mecca, Williamsburg, made me physically laugh out loud. Highlights?

"It's funny," Mr. Hoch said via phone from his home in Williamsburg. "There's a guy about a block away from me – an old school Puerto Rican cat – and there's a new ATM machine on Grand Street, so he's like, 'Yo man, I be seeing these kids, man, they go to the ATM machine and they forget and they just leave their receipts in there, and I go and I get them because I want to see how much money they got in their bank account.'

"He's like, 'Yo, these kids be lookin' bummy, I mean the bummiest, motherfucking, cheap looking kids and they got like $150,000 in their savings account, $280,000 in their savings account. This one motherfucker never takes a bath and he got like $400,000. He just leaves his receipts there in the machine.'"

Yes.

Finally. my unfounded theory has a piece of statistically insignificant empirical data with a horrendously small sample size to back up my claim. That is, they spend egregious amounts of time, money, and effort to look poor. That and this website:

Look at this Fucking Hipster

More Yes. Someone decided to break out the camera phone on the subway and document these "I have money but buy all my gear at an expensive ass boutique when it looks like I got it from Goodwill and spend all my free time doing intravenous drugs at Indie concerts and being better than you" type kids. The best part of the site: most of the people pictured are either riding the L or waiting for it at the Bedford Avenue stop, more evidence they all share the Brooklyn milieu... comical.

“It’s actually really hard to be a pimp when all your bitches have trust funds.”

This week's bumblefuckery from Texas

*Note: From now on I'm posting immediately after Baby J, solely to bury his posts. Can't stand the motherfucker.


I know, there are thousands of reasons to hate Texas, it's a relatively easy target. But every so often, even the most horrendous entities outdo themselves and it's actually worth reporting. Not because the story is surprising, but just because the event falls below the low standards I already set for it. And besides, now that Bush is gone and Texan stupidity has been upstaged in the media by the idiotic ramblings of All-star dumbasses such as Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann, it's good to see our dear Texan morons back in the news.

In the past week both Rick Perry, the governor of texas (I'm no longer giving it the dignity of capitalization) and a representative from its state legislature (Betty Brown) managed to make complete asses of their state (or I suppose their soon to be nation according to rick perry). Impressively enough, Betty suggested that Asians change their names so that they are "easier for Americans to deal with." Whoa!

And no, I don't care if what she said was offensive. In fact, not to be outdone, I'm going to counter Betty Brown's racially insensitive quote with a racially insensitive point of my own: Can you think of a single Asian name that's more than one syllable? I mean, try it off the top of your head... just write down the first 5 Asian surnames that come to your head (ignoring Japanese names):

Cho
Lee
Zhang
Sung
Ming

See? I just did it, not one exceeded a syllable (In fact, two of them double as English Words!!!!). And if you want, try the same thing with english names. I bet you'll have at least one pretty dense 2+ syllable name like Stephens or Hamilton in there.

Conclusion: the problem with Betty Brown isn't that she's racist, had she simply said something such as "We can't understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!" to Asians THAT would be perfectly acceptable, even encouraged. She is a texas republican after all, we know she's thinking it. The problem is that she's a complete idiot, and quite possibly, illiterate.


Although, in her defense, she probably ain't never met none of them yeller' people and therefore doesn't know any Asian names first place. But I'm sure she's walked by plenty of Chinese restaurants... and them crazy characters they be writin' with are intimidating.

Would I...

So....I was thinking. Would it be sweeter to be a Greaser or a Soc. Sure, the Greasers were glorified in The Outsiders but if you think about it, they were nothing but a bunch of leather jacket wearing Emilio Estevezes. The kind of cats who don't shower for a week at a time, spits in your cheeseburger and inexplicably drinks Mike's Hard Lemonade. But a white tee and a leather jacket, such a clean look.

FYI, the cast of the movie reads like a who's who of 1980s superstars. Patrick Swayze, Tom Cruise, Matt Dillon, Rob "Sex Tape" Lowe, and the aforementioned Estevez. It's like a 16 year old girl's wet dream. Funnily enough my wet dream, Diane Lane, is also in it. She is a fine piece of hot, hot, 40 year old cougar. I almost sat through all of Unfaithful just because of her. Damn that movie sucked.

Anyways, the Socs may be preppy douchebags, but they get a bad rap. Can you really hate preppy? It's the classic American look, like Polo. Stylistically, my caridigan wearing ass would probably be in this camp...until I got kicked out for banging in my white tee....and for being black.

But the best part of being in either posse would def. be the rumbles. I would love to roll up a fight with Crunk Inc. by Crime Mob blaring from the 4Runner. Ahhhhhhshit, this song makes me want to fight. It's be like my own version of a police siren. When people hear it, they'd know shit is about to go down. Listen to it. How could you not want to go Chris Brown on a ho after hearing this.

Crunk, Inc. - Crime Mob

Highlights?

I personally like the refrain of "fuck that shit that you talking." No matter how many times it's repeated it remains terse. Concise. Full of hate. Hate hate hate. I've only heard two other hooks as blunt and rage inspiring: "fuck them other niggas" from Snoop Dogg's song Down for my Niggas (those No Limit years were rough on Snoop) and "nigga, fuck you" from Lil' Jon's Put Yo Hood Up. "We hate Pastor Troy" from We Hate Pastor Troy isn't angry enough to be included on the list. But, if I were ever to make a rumble-throwdown-mixtape - which I definitely would if I were a character in the book...I could be "Blackguy" kind of like "Ponyboy" but more obvious and callous - those four songs would definitely comprise it.

Also, the alliterative string in the first verse, where the rapper will "beat yo bitch with a baseball bat." That right there is pure genius.

Obama loves Fried Chicken

...or at least the proprietors of a couple fried chicken joints love Obama. Two fried chicken restaurants, in Brooklyn and Manhattan, have renamed themselves Obama Fried Chicken after our beloved negrident. I just made that up, I think its clever.


I like this story. It's got everything to make your day a better one: New York. Fried Chicken. Black people doing black things. It's really like watching that episode of The Boondocks where they try to explain what a nigger moment. It's kind of hard to tell what it entails, but when you grab your morning paper to see OFC on the cover (it's got a nice ring to it), you know you're in the midst of one.


I can't wait for the Obama Watermelon stands this summer.

I...I Just Can't Look Away

This is Andre Smith. Former starting O-lineman for the Alabama Crimson Tide and former top 10 pick in the upcoming NFL draft (until his stock plummeted, probably from this image) running what I can only assume to be a 9 second 40-yard dash. That picture is all sorts of disturbing.

New Jersey: Land of the Burning Bush

I appreciate hard-hitting investigative journalism, as do most people. It's definitely part of being an old ass man. I took a class about the processes of government, in the section about media the professor mentioned 60 Minutes as appointment viewing. Pssh who the hell actually watches 60 Minutes. But now, I find myself watching it whenever I"m home on Sundays. It started innocently enough, forgetting to change the channel after the late football game in the fall. But now its grown, into, dare I say it, appointment viewing. It's like that first meth hit. You never meant to get so far deep into it, but you just can't quit the exhilirating rush of having your teeth fall out. Same with 60 Minutes its superior story telling, production values, and compelling narratives just get you hooked. And it's not just me, all my friends are secretly doing it too.

I only mention this to show that I, as a blogger, do appreciate some journalism. And there's nothing I appreciate more than the cover of last Friday's Metro.
That would be the picture that ran accompanied to the headline "NJ Ban on Waxing in that 'Special Place?'"

Nice.

And the side bar to the cover story?

some ways to ‘clear-cut the forest’

Bikini wax:
Hair removed to the bikini line.

Brazilian wax:
Removal of all hair around the private parts

Sphinx or Hollywood:
Everything off: front, back, sides, the lot. Totally bald.

The Triangle:
All hair is removed except for a sharply trimmed triangle.

The Mustache:
Everything is removed except for a wide, rectangular patch.

Congratulations Metro you are officially edited by 16 year olds...or me. Whomever its editors, this is the type of investigative journalism we have all come to expect out of our nations newspapers. The type of journalism 60 Minutes can't touch. It's no wonder newspapers remain the stalwarts of the industry. Read the entire Metro story. Here.


A-Rod Can't Catch a Break

I don't know when it happened. Maybe it was when he signed with the Yankees. Or maybe it was when he bitch slapped the baseball out of that Red Sox player's hand when he was obviously out. But one Mr. Alexander Rodriguez cannot catch a break from the media. An abridged version of his tale:

• Last summer his divorce somehow becomes an epic media spectacle. Newsflash to NY Media outlets: people get divorced. It happens. Jordan got divorced and regularly dates girls barely over 18. Is that news too?
• A-Rod + Madonna = gross and more inexplicable coverage of the two
• Impropriety within the MLB leads to revalation that A-Rod use d steroids two months (maybe, I can't remember when it broke). It was an anonymous test. How did everyone know that piss even belonged to A-Rod? Did the MLB fail Stats 101? Do they not know what a double blind study is? It's also a sealed court documents. Those things aren't supposed to be opened. Ridiculous.
  
• Selena "I make money of off other's misery" Roberts cashes in by reporting the story and signing subsequent A-Rod Book deal.
• Then these questionable pictures came out in Details magazine last week. Umm. A-Rod isn't exactly making this tumultuous time easy on himself.
• I'd probably make out with my own image if I had biceps that big too.
• And now, there's this. The hooker/madame/Queen Concubine of prostitution ring that provided former New York Governer Eliot Spiter with four figure beejs now reveals that she dated, as well as provide ladies of the night(s), for one A-Rod...whilst he was married. Article from a slightly more respectable newspaper HERE.
  

She just got out of jail (3 month sentence) and is serving 5 years probation. Hey, she's got legal fees and abortions to pay for, why not cash in on A-Rod' too! (the exlcamation point overrides the question mark in this situation, no?). This is her. She's selling a book on her website. She's tempting. But you know you shouldn't. $10 bucks says she has a tramp stamp. Like A-Rod, definitely enlisted the use of (two) performance enhancers, not that any of her "teammates" would care. And she's probably made many a man-bush burn. So was there a point to this A-Rant? No. Not at all. But then again, there's no point to anything that's posted here. .