Musings

Fact

Seventy-five percent of all Armani Exchange, A|X, items the Metro New York Area are sold to Long Island/New Jersey meathead guidos.

Over at Ed Hardy, a whopping 92.3% of all sales are to meaty gweeds. It's true. I looked it up.

Next time you go out on a 28 degree Saturday night and see a Christian Audigier T-Shirt – yes T-shirt – it’s more than likely draped across a gweed who’s wider than he is tall, who just spent 5 hours at Gold’s blasting his biceps, and who another 2 at Sunset Tan getting his “glow” on.

I wish I had more hands, so I can give those Ed Hardy clad titties four thumbs down.

Musings

Is it just me, or does Hank Paulson seem completely overwhelmed and in over his head?

Do the Cowboys win games because of Tony Romo, or despite Tony Romo?

The Giants looked like shit last night. So much for best team in the NFL. The coaches need to come back down to Earth and let Plax play, hole-y leg and all.

BURN. I don’t think anyone is surprised though. McCain and O-Dog Obama were just about neck and neck up till Sept or so. Wonder what led to the electoral rout?

Easy Winter Fashion for Women

I got it, girls (girl, actually, no one reads this thing) you can thank me later. High boots + Skinny Jeans + Pea Coat = Hot. Damn hot. And chic. I know, I was a math major.

The jeans must, must, be skinny. No exceptions. Why do designers make women’s jeans in any style other than skinny. It’s all about flattery when it comes to denim. Comfort is an ancillary consideration. You rock the jeans to make your ass look good and to make you look taller. You can do it, you’ll be a model one day with those loooong legs!...just never take off your Sevens.

I just admitted it, ladies we're looking at your butts. Every time you walk away, and for the blessed few, when you walk towards us. All guys do it. You knew it, but just didn't really want to come to terms with it. Does that come across as shallow? Yes. It sure does. But if I willingly decrease my sperm count every time I slip on the slim fit A-Pockets, have to throw my junk to one side because the crotch is NON-EXISTANT and feel like this

then there’s no reason every girl can’t rock skinny jeans. Except, you know, for the whole fitting into them thing.

I had a girl come up to me once and remark on how great my Diesels look, and then she added “nice circumcision too.”

Ha, this didn’t actually happen. But it’s one tight-panted, ill-advised, public boner from occurring. I was only wearing slim fits, not skinnies. I tried a pair on once though, one of my balls went back up into my stomach. I had to give myself an abdominal Heimlich to get it back down...Actually that is also false. I couldn't get those suckers up over my knees and hopped around the floor in my boxers trying to shed them. Yeah, it was during a sample sale, no dressing rooms here. Embarrassing? Of course not, I got to show off my junk. In any case, guys who wear skinny jeans must do the up flip.

Obama? That guy's in the news
Only 36 days until Obama’s inauguration. This means Bush has 35 more days to pardon himself and the let’s-go-to-war-so-I-can-funnel-money-into-my-energy-and- security- companies mastermind behind the past 8 years, the incomparable, the indicted Dick Cheney.

Bush deserves the pass, we all know he was trying to live up to his dad’s ideals, and just fell short. Very short. Cheney on the other hand is an outright criminal. Does anyone else think pardoning him would be the equivalent of pardoning OJ. Just imagine the headlines.

January 19: Bush pardons self, Cheney

January 20: Barack Obama inaugurated as first half-black President

January 21: Obama Pardons OJ Simpson

January 22:Obama impeached

January 23: 28^th Amendment Passed, All Minorities Banned from Executive Office,
Thanks to OJ. Sucks for you, Bobby Jindal.

Must be nice to know you’re getting just a slap on the wrist, Dick. Since journalists, and most Americans, embody Jeffersonian thinking, they'll call Obama the first black President. One drop rule, y'all.

Monday Night Stories

I was riding the trusty 4 train back home and saw a dude doing pull-ups (hey, a palindrome) on the car. On a packed Train. Hilarious. Can’t fault the dude though. Gym memberships are way, too expensive up here. Still though, he’s not as bad as the guy doing pull up on the scaffolding across the street from the Pinkberry in Union Square.

Even more hilarious. I was cutting across a park to get home where some kids were playing soccer. The goalposts were trashcans. Not those weak-sauce mesh cans, but those cast iron fuckers. Some kid goes to head the ball and dives headfirst into a can. The kid stayed down for like 2 minutes too. I felt bad, but damn…that’s funny.

Throwback Rhyme of the Day

“I remember magic city before the freak nik
Before the police started all that weak shit

All the big hoes...Get loose wit it
All the skinny hoes let Bruce Bruce hit it
Let a nigga fuck tonight”

And those are the cleanest lyrics in the song.

That comes from Too Short’s 2004, maybe it was 2004, I don’t really know; hit Shake that Monkey ft. Lil’ Jon.

FYI, this is Bruce Bruce. Or as my buddy says, “a boy so fat they had to name it twice.”

It's more like let Bruce Bruce smother it.

Bet you forgot about Too Short, huh? With good reason, dude was not a good rapper. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say he was pretty terrible. Speaking of which, Crunk just fell off, hard. Just like Cash Money before it, Crunk rose and fell. With meteoric speed.

Despite Crunk's death, I'm proud to admit that I fucking love Put Yo Hood Up.
My car didn't have a solid system, or much else for the matter, so I used to ride around in my mom's whip and bump some Lil' Jon while cruising around the city. Nothing screams street cred more than bumping Lil' Jon around the suburbs.

I don't know why I like it so much. Maybe because I could write this song...While drunk. And hanging upside down by my ankles. Underwater.