Football Orgasmopalooza

Tomorrow is the last day of the college football regular season. It’s sad. However, like sex, movies, and movies that depict sex, the best comes right before the end – literally.

Tomorrow is conference championship game day. Where the ACC, Big 12, and SEC will hold their championships contests. The Pac-10 will also feature a high profile rivalry game. It’s 9 hours of all you can watch football.

In high school I’d go over to a friends house to watch the games and alternatively take parts in bouts of Halo during boring stretches. Or rather get my ass beat in Halo. Complain. Convince everyone to play NCAA. Then destroy everyone with USC RB #5 and USC WR #1.

In college I spent most Saturday afternoons drinking Busch Light and never got around to watching much of these games.

But tomorrow, I’m parking myself on a couch somewhere with a case of the aforementioned and watching 9 hours. As long as it’s exciting, of course.

Here are the games and my predictions. As always, completely uninfluenced by any sports media source, only subject to my biases.

USC vs. UCLA

When the Trojans last went to Pasadena in 2006 they lost 13-9 and cost themselves the opportunity to blow out Ohio State and win another national title. I can’t fathom some of USC’s losses. Stanford? Oregon State? I honestly think once a year Pete Carroll takes a game in which he’s hugely favored, puts down a ton of money against USC and makes just enough bad defensive calls to cost him the game. This can be the only explanation. That already happened this year, and with an outside shot at the title game no way USC shits the bed…again.
Trojans win 31- 6

Missouri vs. Oklahoma

I can’t decide what I’d prefer: a stunning loss to the Tigers ruining the Sooners’ season or a blowout loss to the Gators in the title game. If OU wins they’re in. If they lose USC has a shot, but so does Texas which—unfairly—didn’t even win its conference. I’ll take common sense here. Sam Bradford and his ridiculous 46-6 touchdown to int ratio will lead the Sooners to vitory. All I’m asking, Mizzou, is you hold them under 60. That is all.
Sooners win 55-28

Boston College vs. Virginia Tech

Ugggh. Thank God this is a noon game and I’ll still be asleep. How does neither Georgia Tech nor Florida State play for the ACC? The only time I’ve seen either team play was when BC beat an anemic FSU team.Since BC is associated with the city of Boston, I’ll take VaTech.
Hokies win 20-13

Alabama vs. Florida

No. 1 vs No. 2 in the AP. This game should be the primetime match-up, it’ll be great. UF is all speed and Bama has beastly D and O lines. Looking at common opponents Bama beat LSU 27-21, Florida beat them 51-21. Bama beat Georgia 41-30 (score not indicative of ass whooping) and Tennessee 29-9.UF beat UGA 49-10, and the Vols 30-6. Oh, and Bama also beat the Ole Miss team UF lost too. What does this show us? Nothing. I’ve never been a big fan of looking at common opponents, since football is all about matchups. Getting receiver X isolated against safety Y or linebacker Z etc. etc.

So after wasting a paragraph of your time, I’m predicting Florida’s speed to run Bama off the field. The Tide will score late to make the score respectable.
Gators win 45-31