(337): summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So much for classing up this blog.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Trashy
I was a little taken aback when a peer, and fellow blog contributor (you're welcome to post whenever, douche) Pickle Surprise labeled this site "low brow garbage."
But man, I was reading some old posts...and this site is beyond garbage. It's pure trash. It's not like it happened on purpose, but I don't think I can produce any worse content had I tried. Really, it's like US policy in super fast forward. It started out promising was good for a while but then hit the G. W. Bush administration and completely fell apart. Except this blog was never that good. That being said I'm taking a step in the right direction and writing about legitimate, thought provoking topics.
In the next post.
But now we're going to play GUESS THE ETHNICITY.
In this inaugural version, I describe someone with whom I interacted with and you, my faithful reader(s) will guess his/her ethnicity. Here goes
Also.
Thisiswhyyourefat.com. Splendid website. There really are a wide array of culinary concotions out there.
Like this. Looks innocuous enough right? Like a donut. Guess what it is?
Deep fried balls of pure Lard sprinkled with sugar. But yo, it's low carb!
This looks decent, but I'm a big fan of the "triple bacon cheeseburger with deep fried patties as buns." Tasty.
But man, I was reading some old posts...and this site is beyond garbage. It's pure trash. It's not like it happened on purpose, but I don't think I can produce any worse content had I tried. Really, it's like US policy in super fast forward. It started out promising was good for a while but then hit the G. W. Bush administration and completely fell apart. Except this blog was never that good. That being said I'm taking a step in the right direction and writing about legitimate, thought provoking topics.
In the next post.
But now we're going to play GUESS THE ETHNICITY.
In this inaugural version, I describe someone with whom I interacted with and you, my faithful reader(s) will guess his/her ethnicity. Here goes
Yesterday while standing in line to buy chap stick at CVS (it's damned expensive) I was behind a woman with golden hair. Which matched her 4 inch long golden acrylic fingernails. I impatiently watched while she bought not 2, or 3, or 4 but 5 packs of Newports. Newport Lights actually, because you have to go low tar when smoking menthol death sticks.Guess away.
Also.
Thisiswhyyourefat.com. Splendid website. There really are a wide array of culinary concotions out there.
Like this. Looks innocuous enough right? Like a donut. Guess what it is?
Deep fried balls of pure Lard sprinkled with sugar. But yo, it's low carb!
This looks decent, but I'm a big fan of the "triple bacon cheeseburger with deep fried patties as buns." Tasty.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I guess I have a thing for Ads
Scour the site and you'll see my appreciation for the Vitamin Water and Snickers ad campaigns. Score one for H&M
This was on the back page of the AM NY last week (it's free, therefore I read).
Is it the cheek bones? The pose? The legs? Maybe even the dress.
This is easily the most alluring advertisement I've seen. In let's say...ever.
That's one attractive girl, if anyone knows who she is let me know, yo. The last time I've seen anyone look this good was when GQ inexplicably paired Daria Werbowy with Seth Rogen for a photo shoot. Guess they were going for juxtaposition of hot and hairy.
This was on the back page of the AM NY last week (it's free, therefore I read).Is it the cheek bones? The pose? The legs? Maybe even the dress.
This is easily the most alluring advertisement I've seen. In let's say...ever.
That's one attractive girl, if anyone knows who she is let me know, yo. The last time I've seen anyone look this good was when GQ inexplicably paired Daria Werbowy with Seth Rogen for a photo shoot. Guess they were going for juxtaposition of hot and hairy.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Free Syphilis for All!
So I was over in Harlem. It was me and Lucy C. and we were chilling by ourselves. Both of us had popped a pill, and well that's all a lie. I was in Harlem though, unloading crack to some 9 year olds (it tastes like candy, yo. Delicious, delicious white candy).
That's actually another lie. I did go to Harlem, no lie. And I came across this spectacular item on E. 125th street.
YES x A Million. Put his picture up there and everything. I hope whoever did this went to Kinko's and plastered these things all over the neighborhood. If someone gave you Syphilis, you have to do this. Fuck being civil....you just contracted syphilis...that shit eats your brain.
Plaster these things all around the city. Put them in subways so random visitors see them. Oh, and be sure to put the person's name on it too. Don't forget the ads in the AM New York...and fuck it, the New York Times. Finally, don't forget to go tack them up in the offending person's apartment complex.
On sexually transmitted diseases...I was just thinking back to good old freshman year. That magical time when you first walk into your dorm knowing no one. I met one girl who told me the story of some dude she knew...who somehow attained ocular gonorrhea. That's right, gonorrhea....in your eye. I know one kid who used to walk around saying "Herpes...on your nose" obviously a joke...but gonorrhea in your eye is not.
The first thing you wonder is, how the hell do you get gonorrhea in an eye. Seriously, how? Well, I guess you have to have your eye where the gono is, and then there must be some sort of exchange of fluid... Huh, guess it wasn't so hard to figure it. But seriously, that eye must be all up in there if there's fluid exchange going on.
Serendipitious
As I type this post some episode of CSI is airing. Grissom and his hardly rag tag team of Crime Scene Investigators just cracked the case. Turns out the killer has AIDS, but he didn't know it!!! OH SHIT, how'd they figure out that he has AIDS?
Turns out that while the dude was stabbing a ho, some of her blood got into...you guessed it, his EYE. Boom, AIDS.
Next time you go down on a gonorrhea carrying groupie (not recommended) and next time you feel like stabbing a punk (stronlgy, not recommended) be sure to rock the Horace Grant look.
It'll keep syphilis and AIDs out of your shit.
Other Shit I Saw
Yeah, I know you care about the stuff I come across.
Also in Harlem, Phat Cribs Realty. Be sure to get your new apartment through this surely reputable realtor. Not to hate, but you really going to name your business that?
Then again, it is Harlem (W. 147th). So it's probably the number one broker amongs ignant black people. Mmm-hmm, good old fashioned racism.
Also in Harlem (W. 140), Jesus' Tacos. Little known fact about our Savior: at the Last Supper when he broke bread with his desciples, it was actually a tortilla.
From the Food Emporium in Union Square: Real Meals your kids will really love....to fuck. This little boy look like he's going back door on that slice of pizza. Yeah kid, go to town on that cheese. Could Kid Cuisine not find a less disturbing ad?
So we all know Cholas reside in Washington (Dominican) Heights, but this restaurant was found in a decidedly un-Wash Heights, un-Dominican neighborhood. Sutton Place aka E. 59th aka the area featuring the most expensive rents in the city.
The proprietors decided since they were on 59th, it's in between Chola central (lets say the 150s and above) and Murray (Curry) Hill in the E. 20s-30s. Tha hill is best known for its Indian food induced stank. They combined the two and made Chola Indian Food. Right?...Right?
No? It's still a funny name for a restaurant.
That's actually another lie. I did go to Harlem, no lie. And I came across this spectacular item on E. 125th street.
YES x A Million. Put his picture up there and everything. I hope whoever did this went to Kinko's and plastered these things all over the neighborhood. If someone gave you Syphilis, you have to do this. Fuck being civil....you just contracted syphilis...that shit eats your brain.
Plaster these things all around the city. Put them in subways so random visitors see them. Oh, and be sure to put the person's name on it too. Don't forget the ads in the AM New York...and fuck it, the New York Times. Finally, don't forget to go tack them up in the offending person's apartment complex.
On sexually transmitted diseases...I was just thinking back to good old freshman year. That magical time when you first walk into your dorm knowing no one. I met one girl who told me the story of some dude she knew...who somehow attained ocular gonorrhea. That's right, gonorrhea....in your eye. I know one kid who used to walk around saying "Herpes...on your nose" obviously a joke...but gonorrhea in your eye is not.
The first thing you wonder is, how the hell do you get gonorrhea in an eye. Seriously, how? Well, I guess you have to have your eye where the gono is, and then there must be some sort of exchange of fluid... Huh, guess it wasn't so hard to figure it. But seriously, that eye must be all up in there if there's fluid exchange going on.
Serendipitious
As I type this post some episode of CSI is airing. Grissom and his hardly rag tag team of Crime Scene Investigators just cracked the case. Turns out the killer has AIDS, but he didn't know it!!! OH SHIT, how'd they figure out that he has AIDS?
Turns out that while the dude was stabbing a ho, some of her blood got into...you guessed it, his EYE. Boom, AIDS.
Next time you go down on a gonorrhea carrying groupie (not recommended) and next time you feel like stabbing a punk (stronlgy, not recommended) be sure to rock the Horace Grant look.
It'll keep syphilis and AIDs out of your shit.
Other Shit I Saw
Yeah, I know you care about the stuff I come across.
Also in Harlem, Phat Cribs Realty. Be sure to get your new apartment through this surely reputable realtor. Not to hate, but you really going to name your business that?
Then again, it is Harlem (W. 147th). So it's probably the number one broker amongs ignant black people. Mmm-hmm, good old fashioned racism.
Also in Harlem (W. 140), Jesus' Tacos. Little known fact about our Savior: at the Last Supper when he broke bread with his desciples, it was actually a tortilla.
From the Food Emporium in Union Square: Real Meals your kids will really love....to fuck. This little boy look like he's going back door on that slice of pizza. Yeah kid, go to town on that cheese. Could Kid Cuisine not find a less disturbing ad?
So we all know Cholas reside in Washington (Dominican) Heights, but this restaurant was found in a decidedly un-Wash Heights, un-Dominican neighborhood. Sutton Place aka E. 59th aka the area featuring the most expensive rents in the city.The proprietors decided since they were on 59th, it's in between Chola central (lets say the 150s and above) and Murray (Curry) Hill in the E. 20s-30s. Tha hill is best known for its Indian food induced stank. They combined the two and made Chola Indian Food. Right?...Right?
No? It's still a funny name for a restaurant.
Boner Jams '03
It's a collection of pornos I was really into Summer of '03.
Or in this case, it's a collection of songs I was really into over the Winter of '09. But me being me, I didn't get around to writing about it until Spring.
Does it piss anyone else off that Winter of '09 can refer to both January and December of the same year? How frustrating is that. Any other season you can break into specific 3 or 4 month brackets, but winter is just so fucking disparate. January and December? Might as well split the same Winter into two different years. But that'd just be fucking crazy. They should call it winter in January then something like "new winter" in December, just so people don't get confused. Whatever.
I was never into the Birkenstock wearing, hookah-smoking, chest-hair having, weed inhaling, acid dropping, old money faux hipster set. Especially when they got to blasting Phish.
But I do like me some Talking Heads. Nothing But Flowers is the trippiest song I've heard them put together. Like most of their tunes, the lyrics are kind of dumb and don't make much sense.
"dancing." It's the New England thing to do.
Go cop my album, go cop my album. I used to listen to the radio (ray-dee-oh?, what the hell is that). I used to love listening to Funk Flex screaming on the airwaves "go cop my album" like he was going to shoot you if you didn't. But I copped Drake's So Far Gone. I won't review it here, because everyone that reads this blog (all 4 of you) already owns it. But I will advise you to go listen to Unstoppable where Wayne hijacks the track.
Drake's verse is tight, ending a crescendo that only serves as an entrance to Weezy's verse. This dude can say the stupidest stuff and not only get away with it, but make it hot. No one else right now can do that. Hip-Hop enthusiasts should theoretically hate Lil' Wayne (and a lot of old school NYC type rap supporters do). This verse is thoroughly Wayne. Does he mention....
Sports? Check.
Hilarious sexual imagery? Check.
And other random shit I was going to write about but am too lazy to do.
Also making the list of tracks I was really into:
Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby
One of the greatest songs of our generation, even though it's way stalker-ish if you listen to the lyrics.
Or in this case, it's a collection of songs I was really into over the Winter of '09. But me being me, I didn't get around to writing about it until Spring.
Does it piss anyone else off that Winter of '09 can refer to both January and December of the same year? How frustrating is that. Any other season you can break into specific 3 or 4 month brackets, but winter is just so fucking disparate. January and December? Might as well split the same Winter into two different years. But that'd just be fucking crazy. They should call it winter in January then something like "new winter" in December, just so people don't get confused. Whatever.
I was never into the Birkenstock wearing, hookah-smoking, chest-hair having, weed inhaling, acid dropping, old money faux hipster set. Especially when they got to blasting Phish.
But I do like me some Talking Heads. Nothing But Flowers is the trippiest song I've heard them put together. Like most of their tunes, the lyrics are kind of dumb and don't make much sense.
"this was a Pizza Hut, now it's covered with daisies"But it's so melodically intoxicating, you have to love this song. So, excuse me while I go slip on my sandals, eat some mushrooms, cover myself in mud, and do some spastic gyrations that I call
"this was a discount store, now it's turned into a cornfield"
"dancing." It's the New England thing to do.
Go cop my album, go cop my album. I used to listen to the radio (ray-dee-oh?, what the hell is that). I used to love listening to Funk Flex screaming on the airwaves "go cop my album" like he was going to shoot you if you didn't. But I copped Drake's So Far Gone. I won't review it here, because everyone that reads this blog (all 4 of you) already owns it. But I will advise you to go listen to Unstoppable where Wayne hijacks the track.
Drake's verse is tight, ending a crescendo that only serves as an entrance to Weezy's verse. This dude can say the stupidest stuff and not only get away with it, but make it hot. No one else right now can do that. Hip-Hop enthusiasts should theoretically hate Lil' Wayne (and a lot of old school NYC type rap supporters do). This verse is thoroughly Wayne. Does he mention....
Sports? Check.
and when it comes down to stuntin
you boys is just buntin and
im swinging for the fence
Hilarious sexual imagery? Check.
she say i get that pussy wetter than a Dasani shop
And other random shit I was going to write about but am too lazy to do.
Also making the list of tracks I was really into:
Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby
One of the greatest songs of our generation, even though it's way stalker-ish if you listen to the lyrics.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
My New Coffee Table Book
On my way to another swoll inducing diesel session at the gym today, I walked past a bookstore that featured this book in the window.
Fucking sweet. I glimpsed it and kept walking. Then did an about face to re-examine what I saw. Indeed the book is entitled Beards of our Forefathers. Amazing. I think I'm going to go back to that store and buy it just to put on my coffee table, despite not knowing a thing about it.
Update: I googled it, had to. It's a comic strip anthology...letdown, as it isn't a book about sweet beards.
I want to make said book. A coffee table talk piece about facial hair adorned by men, and women (I'm an equal opportunist, yo), throughout history.
From the great bearded general Ambrose Burnside...damn, look at those eponymous sideburns. Diesel...Hard Core...Sexy
To Tom Selleck
To this guy...courtesy of Look at this Fucking Hipster (www.LATFH.com)
Beards, the one thing not even hipsters can ruin.
Fucking sweet. I glimpsed it and kept walking. Then did an about face to re-examine what I saw. Indeed the book is entitled Beards of our Forefathers. Amazing. I think I'm going to go back to that store and buy it just to put on my coffee table, despite not knowing a thing about it.
Update: I googled it, had to. It's a comic strip anthology...letdown, as it isn't a book about sweet beards.
I want to make said book. A coffee table talk piece about facial hair adorned by men, and women (I'm an equal opportunist, yo), throughout history.
From the great bearded general Ambrose Burnside...damn, look at those eponymous sideburns. Diesel...Hard Core...Sexy
To Tom Selleck
To this guy...courtesy of Look at this Fucking Hipster (www.LATFH.com)
Beards, the one thing not even hipsters can ruin.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Milk's Gone Bad, Charlie Murphy
The Milkshake Has Gone Bad!
Nasir Jones and one Kelis Rogers are getting a divorce. Her milkshake just wasn't tasty enough to keep Nas in the Yard.
There's nothing exceptional about this story, nor do I care about the personal lives of these two. Except maybe for Kelis being 7 months preggers. Tough time to be getting divorced, ya think? That and she forgets she doesn't wear underwear.
I just really wanted to use the milkshake line. I was also considering "I Drink Your Milkshake" from There Will Be Blood, but that makes no sense.
Peep the actual divorce documents HERE. How is this public? Did Vibe have someone staking out a courthouse just watching for celebrities to walk in and out? If you work as a court clerk and came across this paper, is your first instinct "I'm a sell this to Vibe!"?
If it is, I'm 100% positive you say "I'm a" and not "I'm going to." Because, let's be real, if you're putting people's private information out there like that you're kind of a douche. Or Selena Roberts aka Super Douche.
Nasir Jones and one Kelis Rogers are getting a divorce. Her milkshake just wasn't tasty enough to keep Nas in the Yard.
There's nothing exceptional about this story, nor do I care about the personal lives of these two. Except maybe for Kelis being 7 months preggers. Tough time to be getting divorced, ya think? That and she forgets she doesn't wear underwear.
I just really wanted to use the milkshake line. I was also considering "I Drink Your Milkshake" from There Will Be Blood, but that makes no sense.
Peep the actual divorce documents HERE. How is this public? Did Vibe have someone staking out a courthouse just watching for celebrities to walk in and out? If you work as a court clerk and came across this paper, is your first instinct "I'm a sell this to Vibe!"?
If it is, I'm 100% positive you say "I'm a" and not "I'm going to." Because, let's be real, if you're putting people's private information out there like that you're kind of a douche. Or Selena Roberts aka Super Douche.
Word of the Week
or rather, of the indefinite future.
Usury: an exorbitant or unlawful rate of interest or fee for the use of money. The lending of money at exorbitant interest rates
I work at a bank and came across this word in a letter a pissed of client sent in. It's not every day I come across a word I've absolutely never heard of before. You see, I like to fashion myself as being intelligent. Even though I know I'm not. I mean, no intelligent person buys Alien vs. Predator 2 ...even if it was only $10.
I informed my multicultural cadre of acquaintances (one is Black, one is Jewish, and one is African. Black and African aren't the same. Africans hate Black Americans). Turns out, it was the Jewish one who claimed the to have the most experiences with the word. Oh man, I love stereotypes.
Usury: an exorbitant or unlawful rate of interest or fee for the use of money. The lending of money at exorbitant interest rates
I work at a bank and came across this word in a letter a pissed of client sent in. It's not every day I come across a word I've absolutely never heard of before. You see, I like to fashion myself as being intelligent. Even though I know I'm not. I mean, no intelligent person buys Alien vs. Predator 2 ...even if it was only $10.
I informed my multicultural cadre of acquaintances (one is Black, one is Jewish, and one is African. Black and African aren't the same. Africans hate Black Americans). Turns out, it was the Jewish one who claimed the to have the most experiences with the word. Oh man, I love stereotypes.
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