I...I Just Can't Look Away

This is Andre Smith. Former starting O-lineman for the Alabama Crimson Tide and former top 10 pick in the upcoming NFL draft (until his stock plummeted, probably from this image) running what I can only assume to be a 9 second 40-yard dash. That picture is all sorts of disturbing.

New Jersey: Land of the Burning Bush

I appreciate hard-hitting investigative journalism, as do most people. It's definitely part of being an old ass man. I took a class about the processes of government, in the section about media the professor mentioned 60 Minutes as appointment viewing. Pssh who the hell actually watches 60 Minutes. But now, I find myself watching it whenever I"m home on Sundays. It started innocently enough, forgetting to change the channel after the late football game in the fall. But now its grown, into, dare I say it, appointment viewing. It's like that first meth hit. You never meant to get so far deep into it, but you just can't quit the exhilirating rush of having your teeth fall out. Same with 60 Minutes its superior story telling, production values, and compelling narratives just get you hooked. And it's not just me, all my friends are secretly doing it too.

I only mention this to show that I, as a blogger, do appreciate some journalism. And there's nothing I appreciate more than the cover of last Friday's Metro.
That would be the picture that ran accompanied to the headline "NJ Ban on Waxing in that 'Special Place?'"

Nice.

And the side bar to the cover story?

some ways to ‘clear-cut the forest’

Bikini wax:
Hair removed to the bikini line.

Brazilian wax:
Removal of all hair around the private parts

Sphinx or Hollywood:
Everything off: front, back, sides, the lot. Totally bald.

The Triangle:
All hair is removed except for a sharply trimmed triangle.

The Mustache:
Everything is removed except for a wide, rectangular patch.

Congratulations Metro you are officially edited by 16 year olds...or me. Whomever its editors, this is the type of investigative journalism we have all come to expect out of our nations newspapers. The type of journalism 60 Minutes can't touch. It's no wonder newspapers remain the stalwarts of the industry. Read the entire Metro story. Here.


A-Rod Can't Catch a Break

I don't know when it happened. Maybe it was when he signed with the Yankees. Or maybe it was when he bitch slapped the baseball out of that Red Sox player's hand when he was obviously out. But one Mr. Alexander Rodriguez cannot catch a break from the media. An abridged version of his tale:

• Last summer his divorce somehow becomes an epic media spectacle. Newsflash to NY Media outlets: people get divorced. It happens. Jordan got divorced and regularly dates girls barely over 18. Is that news too?
• A-Rod + Madonna = gross and more inexplicable coverage of the two
• Impropriety within the MLB leads to revalation that A-Rod use d steroids two months (maybe, I can't remember when it broke). It was an anonymous test. How did everyone know that piss even belonged to A-Rod? Did the MLB fail Stats 101? Do they not know what a double blind study is? It's also a sealed court documents. Those things aren't supposed to be opened. Ridiculous.
  
• Selena "I make money of off other's misery" Roberts cashes in by reporting the story and signing subsequent A-Rod Book deal.
• Then these questionable pictures came out in Details magazine last week. Umm. A-Rod isn't exactly making this tumultuous time easy on himself.
• I'd probably make out with my own image if I had biceps that big too.
• And now, there's this. The hooker/madame/Queen Concubine of prostitution ring that provided former New York Governer Eliot Spiter with four figure beejs now reveals that she dated, as well as provide ladies of the night(s), for one A-Rod...whilst he was married. Article from a slightly more respectable newspaper HERE.
  

She just got out of jail (3 month sentence) and is serving 5 years probation. Hey, she's got legal fees and abortions to pay for, why not cash in on A-Rod' too! (the exlcamation point overrides the question mark in this situation, no?). This is her. She's selling a book on her website. She's tempting. But you know you shouldn't. $10 bucks says she has a tramp stamp. Like A-Rod, definitely enlisted the use of (two) performance enhancers, not that any of her "teammates" would care. And she's probably made many a man-bush burn. So was there a point to this A-Rant? No. Not at all. But then again, there's no point to anything that's posted here. .

Vitamin Water

High Comedy. Great Ad. But contrary to popular belief, bananas are not the kings of potassium. Both avocados and potatoes have more. Although bananas have to win for portability. I would be a little shocked if I saw someone pull a potato out of its (yah, I refer to sexually ambiguous people in the third person as "it") desk, peeled it and chomped right into it.

That and a couple Vitamin Water flavors contained substances banned by the NCAA. Read article HERE.

Caffeine and guarana are banned? That's a little ridiculous.

Even more interesting: Coke rebranding Vitamin Water as a sports drink (despite the caffeine)to challenge Pepsi's ownership of Gatorade. Memo to Coca-Cola: You own Powerade. Cannibalizing you're own brand is all the rage, like Abercrombie and Hollister. Pepsi used to sell All Sport back in the day. Remember those Shaq commercials?

Funny commercial but, man, that All Sport was garbage...and I think that little guy was the dude from Smart Guy

Everything is Sweeter When Money Is At Stake

Brackets got you down? Parity of this year's NCAA season got you confused? Choosing between your alma mater (you homer) and the logical choice? Torn between the potential matchups? Wake Forest vs Louisville. Duke vs 'Nova. Florida State vs Pitt. Duke vs Pitt. Do you have the balls to call FSU over Pitt? I sure as hell don't. This tournament is a free for all.

Alas, in three weeks I'll be sitting despondent because FSU did beat Pitt and I did pick my school...despite its recent track record. But it's okay, because I can always look at the bracket of income, where there are no winners and losers. Actually, I take it back. There are losers. Because my school isn't on here. Damn't, Louisiana state school system. (much like porn, click image to make larger)
So when you're team gets ousted in the tournament two rounds too early, you can always fall back on some good old fashioned elitism. Their team may be better, but you'll be making 6 figures...in 5-15 years. Just remember to discount for the time value of money.

Dominicans Love Baseball

Dominicans love baseball. Like a lot. Like I haven't met one Dominican who wasn't a baseball fan. The homeland of A-Rod, Jose Reyes, and Pedro Guerrero. Who's Pedro Guerrero? Why a former LA Dodger, co-world series MVP, 5 time all-star and the protagonist in this story (from The Big Lead):

Once upon a time, at a celebrity golf tournament on planet earth, someone was paired up with Steve Sax and Pedro Guerrero. “Pedro starts telling this story about this one time he hooked up with this chick down in his hometown in the Dominican Republic. So Pedro and this chick are going at it when her husband walks in. Pedro starts apologizing to this guy, but since Pedro is a hero in his hometown, the guy is fine with it. In fact, they start double teaming her. This leads to the following exchange between Pedro and Sax:

Pedro: “I’m fucking her. He’s fucking her. She’s sucking my cock. He’s sucking my cock.”

Steve: “Pedro, he’s sucking your cock? Isn’t that kinda gay?”

Pedro: “No, man. He’s sucking my cock.”

Priceless. If this guy could get a man - whose wife he is fucking, in front of him, to voluntary fellate him - then A-Rod (Domincana's finest) could probably get the president to rename the country after him....while simultaneously partaking in a presidential 3-way, and getting steroids (among other things) shot into his ass.

Maybe this dude is just rationalizing a surreal event he couldn't grasp while it was occurring, or maybe he truly believes his logic. According to SI, he's not that bright of a dude

A former major league hitter was acquitted of drug conspiracy charges Tuesday, after his attorney argued that his low IQ prevented him from understanding that he had agreed to a drug deal.

Federal prosecutors argued that Pedro Guerrero, formerly of the Los Angeles Dodgers and St. Louis Cardinals, told an undercover agent and an informant that he would guarantee payment for a $200,000 cocaine shipment...

[his lawyer] said he dropped out of sixth grade in his native Dominican Republic, and has an IQ of 70, Hirsch said. The Miami resident can not perform simple tasks, such as writing a check or making a bed, and receives a small weekly allowance from his wife"

And yet, this dude is still, likely, a millionaire. But definitely not gay.

Uggh

Dear Facebook,

Way to take the worst aspect of your website and make it the focal point. Everyone's homepage is now dominated by status updates. Thanks, Mark. Hey, random dude #1 is "Thawing Chicken." No fucking way! My life is complete because I now know this. Or how about random dude #2 who has "sunburn and razorburn" or the girl who is "returning some videos." Knowing all this information just made my day a whole lot more fruitful! Note: those are all actual status updates on my friends list. Weird that I see three given I only have two friends.

At least now people will be able to see how they update their statii (I know that's not correct, it looks sweet) multiple times and will maybe stop doing it. Be real, you know you it's going to suck when you see one person locking down your facebook with 7 updates a day.

I guess people actually enjoy status updates -given the popularity of Twitter. But taking the weakest portion (and you know it is) and centering your website around it doesn't make much sense. That's like giving the rapper with the worst flow in a camp the big money s0lo deal. It'd be the equivalent of giving Yung Joc* a solo deal; or throwing money at anyone from Dipset not named Cam'ron...Oh right, those events actually happened.

In any case, Facebook can do whatever it chooses to. It's here and no one is going to leave it. Everyone freaked out when it expanded to high school, but accepted (or were forced to accept, what else is there, MySpace? fuck that). Then everyone freaked out when they let the un-educated plebian non-students join. But everyone capitulated, again. The site hit 100 million users last August and is averaging 374,000 more per day. Jesus. I remember when I was a young lad and there were literally 8 schools on there and everyone still used Webshots for photos. Facebook is becoming the Wal-Mart of websites.

Farhad Manjoo of Slate, a good writer at a web magazine entirely too full of itself, states Facebook is now a social instution, akin to using deoderant or having a cell phone.

The site has crossed a threshold—it is now so widely trafficked that it's fast becoming a routine aide to social interaction, like e-mail and antiperspirant. It's only the most recent of many new technologies that have crossed over this stage. For a long while—from about the late '80s to the late-middle '90s, Wall Street to Jerry Maguire—carrying a mobile phone seemed like a haughty affectation. But as more people got phones, they became more useful for everyone—and then one day enough people had cell phones that everyone began to assume that you did, too.

Entire article HERE.

So what do you think, do you view people without Facebook the same way you do people who eschew Old Spice?



*I actually enjoy Yung Joc and his music, but if he isn't, technically and lyrically, the worst rapper from Boyz N Da Hood then the group should be disbanded and Diddy deposed. How can you sign anyone significantly worse than Joc to a deal? Shit man, sign me.

You Know What I Want To Do?

Pay $216 for a pair of JORTS. You know: Jean Shorts. The border line unacceptable article of clothing so in demand with meth addicts.


And look, they even come in Indiana resident NASCAR Fan Blue. Yeah, I didn't even know they sold jeans in that wash...outside of Wal-Mart.

Con: They're jorts
Pro: They're True Religion, so they're not going to pull that magically widening waistline thing some jeans do.
Con: They're jorts.
Pro: The horseshoe on the back looks cool
Con: They're $216 jorts
Pro: ....um, they're not baggy?
Con: They're $216 jorts that come in a wash that'll get you mistaken for a mullet-headed Tony Stewart fan who attends monster truck rallies and drinks Milwaukee's Best Ice while bathing himself in an inflatable kiddie pool in his front yard. Don't know who Tony Stewart is? Google isn't broken, homie.

Verdict: Even though I'm black (how'd you guess?) And the two groups of people capable of pulling off the jort look are minorities and women, I think I'm going to channel my inner Kanye West and say fuck these $216 jean shorts.

If you're inclined, buy them here. Props to Jimi on the find...

They look hot on her though.

Hilarious, right? Peep more Cyanide and Happiness at Explosm.net

Also hilarious.

Christiano Ronaldo's mom thinks he's not a walking man slut. What's it called when you know something is true, but refuse to believe it no matter how obvious? Delusional? Is that it?

Proud Dolores Aveiro, 54, said: “My son has only introduced two girlfriends to me – Merche Romero and Nereida Gallardo.

“If I believed what other people say, he has been with more than 100 and he is a womaniser.

“But I know that it is not true. When he likes a girl and the relationship is serious, he presents her to his family.”

I find this funny because his nickname is the Portuguese Man-O-Sex. Funny right? Kind of like Man-O-War, you know that jellyfish type thing. And apparently there's an entire blog dedicated to being a soccer WAG (wives and girlfriends) where they rank Euro league players' desirability. They should rename this faction of women to something else, like glorified whore. There's no stigma to being a WAG, but you know exactly what they're after; because those girls will probably let you spray in the face as long as you're rocking, no not Bathing Ape, but the AIG jersey. I can't hate though, I'd love to be living on easy street as a glorified man escort.

Besides, can any one really say no to Cristiano? I mean, he's only been in one ten way hooker orgy...that's been publicly documented. And little bit of herpes isn't going to kill you, right? Peep the last link, you know he's a G when he gets a hooker consider fellating him for FREE. That's like going into work knowing you won't be getting a paycheck or taking a girl to an expensive steak (for you, she's obviously eating the salad) dinner fully aware she won't touch you.

And read the concubine's quote, you can't make this shit up:

"They made me feel cheap," she moaned. "I've slept with about 200 clients and I've never been treated with such little respect. They didn't care about our feelings. They didn't even talk. They just moved our bodies into the right positions."

That, my readers, is what we call irony.

And finally, I know what you're thinking. I can't post about this without giving you a glimpse of the girls, right? Right? HERE they are, as of last year. So there's probably been another 47...or 147 since. And number two...ridiculous. Aw hell, here she is.


Here name is Gemma and is apparently a huge WAG. Think I'll grab myself a Fly Emirates jersey,go to England, pass myself of as Thierry Henry, and see if I can get in there.