Picks, Picks, Picks

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year. The time when you can tune into ESPN on any given night and watch some mediocre college football. You mean I can watch Wake Forest play Navy? NAVY? Sign me up!

This year, as I am finally a real person, I’ll have to be judicious with my time; picking and choosing which games to watch. The days of spazzing out in front of the tube watching Mieneke Car Care Bowl (seriously?) or the Insight.com PC Bowl and enjoying the number 3 team in the PAC-10 play the number 4 team in the ACC, or whatever, are over. Sad.

I’m not going to make picks on every game. That would require knowing something about the 398 teams seemingly playing in bowl games. I don't. So, without further ado.

Champs Sports Bowl

Florida State vs. Wisconsin

Hey FSU, remember when you played for the National Title 3 years in a row? Yeah, that was ages ago. Pre – Chris Rix and his margarine hands, pre Bobby Bowden looking completely out of it. But hey, you looked good this year. Got to #15 before laying some stinkers. You defeated VaTech and Maryland but lost to GaTech and Boston College. Really? BC? Then got your ass handed to you by Florida, for the 4^th consecutive year. What an enigmatic output. As a team, did you collectively decide to just not show up for games? I don’t know what to make of you. You’re about as consistent as John Kerry during his ’04 campaign, or my turds after choking down some Sitar Indian Cuisine…But I just can’t quit you, Florida State.
Seminoles win, 38-30, because I like offense. And for Wisconsin being almost as equally perplexing as State.

Orange Bowl

Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech

Uggggggh. This is a BCS matchup? Am I really going to spend my New Years night watching this game in prime time? I know nothing about these teams, except that VaTech has won the ACC every year it has been in it. I think. That’s near the mid-90s level of dominance FSU had. This may end up being an entertaining game, but I doubt it.
Virginia Tech wins, 24-19, that’s right, I’m predicting a safety!

Sugar Bowl

Utah vs. Alabama

Yeah BCS busters, way to rip-off the fans. This game should be Texas vs. Bama, it’d be only about 896x more competitive. This game will go the route of Hawaii vs. Georgia in 2008 as opposed to Boise State vs. Oklahoma in 2007. Alabama will just grind the ball out, put everyone to sleep, and by the time anyone notices anything has happened they’ll have scored 30 points.
Crimson Tide win, 30-13, in a game that’s never really competitive.

Fiesta Bowl

Ohio State vs. Texas

This has the possibility of turning into an ass whooping. Like serious sphincteral reaming. Texas reminds me of the Ohio State team that won the national title over Miami a few years ago. They just find ways to win (except against Texas Tech). Ohio State is overrated. Mostly because I hate Jim Tressel. That’s right, my hate for one guy makes a team overrated, it’s a fact. Texas proves the big favorite here, but everyone forgets they can barely run the ball. Def not a good sign when you’re leading rush has less than 600 yards…and is also your leading passer.
All that aside, Texas wins, but not that impressively 34-21

Rose Bowl

USC vs. Penn State

I don’t know why everyone’s writing off Penn State, they have stud receivers, a stud running back, and a baller QB…But then there’s that Trojan D. I give Pete Carroll the nod w/the month off to prep. As long as their running backs don’t do something stupid like fumble on an attempted lateral or the refs don’t give Vince Young…er, Darryl Clarke a touchdown despite being down at the two.

Trojans win, 31- 16.

Title Game

Oklahoma vs. Florida

I already predicted Florida to win this game, by some random score of 41-36 or something around there. I really, really, want a close and exciting game – as does everyone else. But I keep getting this sneaking suspicion there will be more sphincteral tearing when this one is said and done. UF’s offense is just as good as Oklahoma’s. That’s right, I have huuuuge fucking balls for saying that. But it’s true. And their defense is much better. Bob Stoops also has a history of sucking majorly in the BCS, while Urban Meyer has a history of kicking ass. Oh, and UF is the better team.

I’ll adjust my prediction and say Gators win 42-35, a more normal score…while simultaneously predicting the possibility of 49-23.

Game everyone wants to see

USC vs. Florida

Nation’s best two teams. Strength on strength for 60 minutes. It’d be beautiful. Kinda like...

Football Orgasmopalooza

Tomorrow is the last day of the college football regular season. It’s sad. However, like sex, movies, and movies that depict sex, the best comes right before the end – literally.

Tomorrow is conference championship game day. Where the ACC, Big 12, and SEC will hold their championships contests. The Pac-10 will also feature a high profile rivalry game. It’s 9 hours of all you can watch football.

In high school I’d go over to a friends house to watch the games and alternatively take parts in bouts of Halo during boring stretches. Or rather get my ass beat in Halo. Complain. Convince everyone to play NCAA. Then destroy everyone with USC RB #5 and USC WR #1.

In college I spent most Saturday afternoons drinking Busch Light and never got around to watching much of these games.

But tomorrow, I’m parking myself on a couch somewhere with a case of the aforementioned and watching 9 hours. As long as it’s exciting, of course.

Here are the games and my predictions. As always, completely uninfluenced by any sports media source, only subject to my biases.

USC vs. UCLA

When the Trojans last went to Pasadena in 2006 they lost 13-9 and cost themselves the opportunity to blow out Ohio State and win another national title. I can’t fathom some of USC’s losses. Stanford? Oregon State? I honestly think once a year Pete Carroll takes a game in which he’s hugely favored, puts down a ton of money against USC and makes just enough bad defensive calls to cost him the game. This can be the only explanation. That already happened this year, and with an outside shot at the title game no way USC shits the bed…again.
Trojans win 31- 6

Missouri vs. Oklahoma

I can’t decide what I’d prefer: a stunning loss to the Tigers ruining the Sooners’ season or a blowout loss to the Gators in the title game. If OU wins they’re in. If they lose USC has a shot, but so does Texas which—unfairly—didn’t even win its conference. I’ll take common sense here. Sam Bradford and his ridiculous 46-6 touchdown to int ratio will lead the Sooners to vitory. All I’m asking, Mizzou, is you hold them under 60. That is all.
Sooners win 55-28

Boston College vs. Virginia Tech

Ugggh. Thank God this is a noon game and I’ll still be asleep. How does neither Georgia Tech nor Florida State play for the ACC? The only time I’ve seen either team play was when BC beat an anemic FSU team.Since BC is associated with the city of Boston, I’ll take VaTech.
Hokies win 20-13

Alabama vs. Florida

No. 1 vs No. 2 in the AP. This game should be the primetime match-up, it’ll be great. UF is all speed and Bama has beastly D and O lines. Looking at common opponents Bama beat LSU 27-21, Florida beat them 51-21. Bama beat Georgia 41-30 (score not indicative of ass whooping) and Tennessee 29-9.UF beat UGA 49-10, and the Vols 30-6. Oh, and Bama also beat the Ole Miss team UF lost too. What does this show us? Nothing. I’ve never been a big fan of looking at common opponents, since football is all about matchups. Getting receiver X isolated against safety Y or linebacker Z etc. etc.

So after wasting a paragraph of your time, I’m predicting Florida’s speed to run Bama off the field. The Tide will score late to make the score respectable.
Gators win 45-31

Ho Down

I said I wanted to see Texas Tech in the National Title Game. I don’t. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was sipping on that Texas Tech Kool-Aid. I was seduced by that ever so sexy offense. I had forgotten what TTU is. A system offense that has been producing 400 yard passing games for years now. The Red Raiders of TTU are frauds. Fakers. Posers. They’re the Kimbo Slice of college football.

But here’s the thing. In watching them get pasted by Oklahoma and barely squeak by against Baylor a buddy of mine noted that “Texas Tech will never win a national title in football.” Think about that. The team is 11-1. Even if they somehow sneak into and win the Big 12 title game – which they won’t – they’d get passed over for the national championship in a heartbeat. My friend and I debated about this for a while and came to that conclusion. The BCS would sooner throw USC or Penn State into the fray. Why? Because Tech doesn’t have the panache, the cachet, the outright reputation of either of the two previous schools.

And that’s what seems to matter in college football. The reputation. Preseason rankings especially, regular season rankings and BCS bowl selections are all based on reputation. In addition to being a reputable program, a team must have the obligatory 12-0 or 11-1 or (gasp) 10-2 record and should, lest we experience another Miami-Nebraska ass kicking of 2002 Rose Bowl, win their conference.

Combine these two factors and the smattering of 117 Division-1 schools eligible to win the title becomes a dearth of 6 or 7 teams. As of right now, 3:30 pm on Sunday November 30^th, a half hour before the BCS rankings come out, there are 6 teams capable of playing for the National Title. Actually, its only 4, considering multiple entrants from the same conference.

Florida
Oklahoma
Alabama
Texas
Southern California
Penn State

• The winner of the Florida/Alabama contest will decide one half of the National Title game. The loser has to hope it doesn’t get the Capital One Bowl.

• Texas or Oklahoma, whichever team is ahead in the polls blah blah blah you already know this, gets the honor of laying the smack down on Missouri and will comprise the other half of the national title game.

• Thanks to a Beaver loss (don’t you hate that?) Southern Cal will get in if Missouri scores an upset in the Big 12 title game.

• Penn State can sneak in if Mizzou wins and USC loses against UCLA – please Pete Carroll, DO NOT let this happen…again.

• What about undefeated Boise State and Utah? Tough luck, suckers. Come back when you’ve become reputable name brands. Your 12-0 records aren’t good enough for the BCS.

As we head into the last week of the college football season is it fair that only 4 teams will have the chance to play for the title? Of course not. In no other sport would this ever happen.

My Two Cents

I say this with the utmost respect for USC ( a team I root for) and UT. But the match-up I want to see, and the best match-up possible is Florida vs. Oklahoma. I detest OU, but have a suspicion they will jump over UT in the BCS rankings.

As for the game?

OU plays Big 12 defense. Which means they don’t do it very well. I don’t think any team in the conference plays defense. Example: If OU gets 3 stops per game their offense will turn it into 3 scores and a minimum 20 point victory.

I rescind my earlier comment of UF not playing defense. They shut down a pretty good, but enigmatic, Florida State offense.

My prediction: UF over OU in a close, hard fought title game. I’ll go with 41-36.

I’m no psychic, but I did live in Florida. That makes me a de facto college football expert. And just a wee bit biased. Let’s see if my predictions hold up.

Here's Hoping

Texas Tech v Florida

It’s amazing how little enthusiasm for college football there is in New York. It’s mind boggling. Maybe it’s because the nearest squad is Rutgers. And they kinda suck.

As I’m from Florida, the collegiate football capital, I gladly assume the role of College Football Guru. Screw Lou Holtz’s crazy ass and every other expert on ESPN. I got you covered.

What do you want to see with your college football season? Chaos. Complete chaos. You want to see Murphy’s Law go to town on the BCS. You want to see Florida lose to Florida State, and then for UF to beat the shit out of Alabama. Do you rank a 2-loss SEC champion ahead of a 1-loss at large team? You want to see Oklahoma beat Texas Tech, then Missouri upset whoever wins the Big 12 South in the title game. You want to see every top team have at least one loss. You want to see Penn State lose to Michigan State, and if the BCS will be tempted enough to put Ohio State in a third straight title game. You want to see Oregon State win out; and see a 1-loss, top 5 ranked USC team possibly not play in the BCS at all.

But that isn’t going to happen. Because it won’t happen, and because a playoff is nowhere in sight, we must have Florida versus Texas Tech in the title game. We NEED to see this matchup in the title game.

Why do we need this game? Because it gives you everything you could ever ask for in a football game: OFFENSE. Defenses need not apply. What would the over-under of this game be? 120? 130 points? This game will be 42-38 by halftime. Tebow will have 300 yards passing and another 150 rushing. Graham Harrell will throw for at least 700. What else could you ask for?
Ask for Peter Warrick reeling this one in, despite pass interference, and leading the comeback victory against Va Tech in the 2000 Sugar Bowl.

Ruminations about college football:

• Nothing, absolutely nothing, screams college football more than the state of Florida.

• As a kid I wouldn’t dare wear blue during the last week of November, lest someone mistake me for a Florida Gators fan. In high school I placed bets with my History teacher over college those rivalry games. To this day I still have an irrational hate for Danny Wuerffel. And Jacquez Green. And Doug effing Johnson. Needless to say I was a huge FSU fan.

• Once I left the state the passion for the rivalry also left. It’s really hard to care about UF versus FSU when I’m 600 miles away in a basketball state.

• Even with my undying hate for Wuerffel et al, I root for Florida teams in general. And Southern Cal. I visited that school, it was dope. Smoking hot student body, but the police choppers cruising overhead on visitation weekend proved a little unsettling.

• Back up running back for Florida, Jeffrey Demps, ran a 10.01 100 meter dash. In high school. He is faster than you.
  

• If you think rooting for more than one team from my state makes me a bad fan, Go Eat a dick.

• I can think of two that can go eat a dick right now: Oklahoma and Ohio State.

OU beat the Seminoles in the'01 title game. AND Jason White won the Heisman…Seriously? That’s like nominating Richard Nixon for inclusion on Mount Rushmore. The ass whooping they got in the Orange Bowl righted the wrong.

OSU shit the bed in two straight national title games and were gifted another against Miami. And yet, the team and its fans maintain a ridiculous sense of entitlement.