The worst thing about having a “professor” speak to the media is that it lends credence and credibility to inane commentary. Completely ridiculous statements…I don’t think the end of days will happen until at least 2012 (more when I can gather my thoughts into a coherent essay). And even then it’ll be the whole world going to shits, not just the Amerricuh. But Barack does have his hands full. First Wall Street, then the entire American automotive industry, now Ohio is the first state to ask for a bailout. A scant 5 billion. More will surely follow in tow. And as long as we're asking for handouts for debts we have no intention on paying, can I get some loot for my Stafford loans? My four years at Southwest Middle Louisiana State Technical College of Agriculture and Mechanics (SWMLSTCA&MU) were surprisingly expensive.
And then there's this random quote which may or may not have spewed from the mouth of another professor. Or statesman. Or a hobo.
A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largess from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's greatest civilizations has been 200 years. Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage.
It'll soon replace "I have a black friend" as the de facto reply to any accusation of racial insensitivity. Even though most cases aren't actually racism, just prejudice. And there is NOTHING wrong w/being prejudice. Being prejudice is what keeps you from getting robbed. Racism is the real bad guy here. Racism is what keeps L'Quanda Jenkins' resume from getting a second look.
I came across one of the greatest articles I have read, written by David Ehrenstein, just now. Guess his race, it'll totally mess with your prejudices. It is so apt, so on-point, and so appropriate, I had to immediately blog about it. Blog should not be a verb, fyi, it sounds ridiculous. Read the article. Seriously, read it. It's about a magic negro. There's no way you can't read it, right? Preview? Why not.
The Magic Negro is...a figure of postmodern folk culture, coined by snarky 20th century sociologists, to explain a cultural figure who emerged in the wake of Brown vs. Board of Education. "He has no past, he simply appears one day to help the white protagonist,"
He's there to assuage white "guilt" (i.e., the minimal discomfort they feel) over the role of slavery and racial segregation in American history, while replacing stereotypes of a dangerous, highly sexualized black man with a benign figure for whom interracial sexual congress holds no interest.
Because it would take nothing short of magic for a black person to be articulate or intelligent, you see.
It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year. The time when you can tune into ESPN on any given night and watch some mediocre college football. You mean I can watch WakeForest play Navy? NAVY? Sign me up! This year, as I am finally a real person, I’ll have to be judicious with my time; picking and choosing which games to watch. The days of spazzing out in front of the tube watching Mieneke Car Care Bowl (seriously?) or the Insight.com PC Bowl and enjoying the number 3 team in the PAC-10 play the number 4 team in the ACC, or whatever, are over. Sad. I’m not going to make picks on every game. That would require knowing something about the 398 teams seemingly playing in bowl games. I don't. So, without further ado.
Champs Sports Bowl
FloridaState vs. Wisconsin
Hey FSU, remember when you played for the National Title 3 years in a row? Yeah, that was ages ago. Pre – Chris Rix and his margarine hands, pre Bobby Bowden looking completely out of it. But hey, you looked good this year. Got to #15 before laying some stinkers. You defeated VaTech and Maryland but lost to GaTech and BostonCollege. Really? BC? Then got your ass handed to you by Florida, for the 4th consecutive year. What an enigmatic output. As a team, did you collectively decide to just not show up for games? I don’t know what to make of you. You’re about as consistent as John Kerry during his ’04 campaign, or my turds after choking down some Sitar Indian Cuisine…But I just can’t quit you, FloridaState. Seminoles win, 38-30, because I like offense. And for Wisconsin being almost as equally perplexing as State.
Orange Bowl
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech Uggggggh. This is a BCS matchup? Am I really going to spend my New Years night watching this game in prime time? I know nothing about these teams, except that VaTech has won the ACC every year it has been in it. I think. That’s near the mid-90s level of dominance FSU had. This may end up being an entertaining game, but I doubt it. Virginia Tech wins, 24-19, that’s right, I’m predicting a safety!
Sugar Bowl
Utah vs. Alabama
Yeah BCS busters, way to rip-off the fans. This game should be Texas vs. Bama, it’d be only about 896x more competitive. This game will go the route of Hawaii vs. Georgia in 2008 as opposed to BoiseState vs. Oklahoma in 2007. Alabama will just grind the ball out, put everyone to sleep, and by the time anyone notices anything has happened they’ll have scored 30 points. Crimson Tide win, 30-13, in a game that’s never really competitive.
Fiesta Bowl
OhioState vs. Texas
This has the possibility of turning into an ass whooping. Like serious sphincteral reaming. Texas reminds me of the OhioState team that won the national title over Miami a few years ago. They just find ways to win (except against Texas Tech). OhioState is overrated. Mostly because I hate Jim Tressel. That’s right, my hate for one guy makes a team overrated, it’s a fact. Texas proves the big favorite here, but everyone forgets they can barely run the ball. Def not a good sign when you’re leading rush has less than 600 yards…and is also your leading passer. All that aside, Texas wins, but not that impressively 34-21
Rose Bowl
USC vs. PennState
I don’t know why everyone’s writing off PennState, they have stud receivers, a stud running back, and a baller QB…But then there’s that Trojan D. I give Pete Carroll the nod w/the month off to prep. As long as their running backs don’t do something stupid like fumble on an attempted lateral or the refs don’t give Vince Young…er, Darryl Clarke a touchdown despite being down at the two.
Trojans win, 31- 16.
Title Game
Oklahoma vs. Florida
I already predicted Florida to win this game, by some random score of 41-36 or something around there. I really, really, want a close and exciting game – as does everyone else. But I keep getting this sneaking suspicion there will be more sphincteral tearing when this one is said and done. UF’s offense is just as good as Oklahoma’s. That’s right, I have huuuuge fucking balls for saying that. But it’s true. And their defense is much better. Bob Stoops also has a history of sucking majorly in the BCS, while Urban Meyer has a history of kicking ass. Oh, and UF is the better team. I’ll adjust my prediction and say Gators win 42-35, a more normal score…while simultaneously predicting the possibility of 49-23.
Game everyone wants to see
USC vs. Florida
Nation’s best two teams. Strength on strength for 60 minutes. It’d be beautiful. Kinda like...
I like football, in case you didn’t notice. If you hadn’t, well you’re just an un-observant mother fucker. And so it was, another New Years Day when I awoke to partake in my customary new year’s routine. Watching a full day of college football while fighting the holiday itis; slipping in and out of consciousness in front of the tube.
One particular year after groggily waking up sometime in the early afternoon, I tuned into the Citrus (now Capital One) bowl. If you can guess the year and teams involved in this game you’ll know exactly where this post is headed. That AND I’ll give you $50. Go ahead and guess. (Guessing time) It was 2000. The teams: MichiganState and Florida. If you recall it was the senior year of one Plaxico Burress. He was torching some freshman DB covering him, absolutely killing him. While the announcers were salivating over Plax and his NFL prospects, I sat on my couch and thought to myself “I think this guy’s prone to making poor life decisions and is going to monumentally fuck-up his career and life one day.”
Can I call ‘em or what? I like to give people the benefit of the doubt because, you know, I’m a good little liberal asshat. But some things coming out of the Plax shoot-myself-in-the-leg-gate are just bizarre. Like, does anyone else ever get annoyed by the addition of “gate” to the end of every crime/scandal/news event? It doesn’t even make sense, it’s just thrown on there; like some D’s on that bitch... or some DDD’s on that bitch.
From my initial withholding of judgment, everything that has come out of the case concerning Plax has been meet with a “seriously?” response. Let us revisit the bastion of credibility, the Associated Press.
Burress accidentally shot himself in the right thigh at the Latin Quarter nightclub on Nov. 29 when he fumbled with an unlicensed handgun tucked into the waistband of his sweat pants.
I can see why you illegally carry a loaded gun, you gotta protect yourself from those stick-up kids wanting your sweet bling. But why are you trying to get into a club wearing sweat pants? Actually, why’d you leave your house in sweats? They’d better be some Hermés velour sweats handmade by an underpaid (re: non paid) Parisian Arab immigrant that cost $1000 a fiber.
Secondly, what made you think of tucking your gun into the sweatpants? You can’t spring for a holster, buddy? It’s an ELASTIC waistband. I couldn’t even get an up-flipped boner to stay still in a pair of sweats, no way a gun is going to hold in place.
Burress was also sued last week in Florida's Broward County Circuit Court for rear-ending a woman in May while driving his nearly $140,000 Mercedes-Benz.
According to a document provided by the woman's attorney, his car insurance lapsed three days before the crash. A letter from Allstate says Burress neglected to pay his premiums.
By far the funniest part of the story. Drop six figures on a ride and you can’t spend $200 a month on insurance. Pretty sure he paid for it in cash, is Plax so financially tied up he can’t find $200 to pay for his insurance? This wins the “and you know it’s a black person if...” award.
In addition to a 9-mm handgun, a .30-06-caliber rifle and the ammunition, including a clip for a .45 gun, police also said they recovered the sneakers that Burress wore during the accidental shooting during the three-hour search of the Super Bowl star's Totowa home.
I can’t hate on this, it’s just a part of being rich. You’ve seen Cribs, you’ve seen the Chapelle Show episode. Point is, the richer you get the crazier shit you need to own. Fact. If you’re making a boat load of money, you have to have a boatload of gear. There’s a checklist of stuff you have to get once you strike it big:
Big ass house in a nice neighborhood with plenty of white neighbors. Holding all other things (house purchase price, family income) white neighborhoods possess higher property values. Wonder why?
This is purely a fiscal decision…plus you can corrupt their teenage (18+) daughters. Their thought process “he’s black, so he’ll piss off my dad; but he’s also rich, so he can buy my silence if I ever decided to go Kobe on him.”
Cars. Whips. Rides. Autos. Tons of them. A BMW M3 because it’s dead sexy. BMW M5 for when you want to bone in the backseat (and to put the resulting baby, subsequent car seat). Ferrari 360 Modena. Rolls Royce Phantom . Mercedes SL55 AMG , because some times you need to drop the top in order to drop her top. A Cadillac Escalade because you need a truck. And a Toyota Supra because you secretly liked 3 Fast 3 Furious: Tokyo Drift
Speaking of which, whatever happened to Paul Walker? Every girl I know used to love that guy. I’m pretty sure his career ended with Timeline – that movie sucked, hard. Talk about poor life decisions.
Biggest, most powerful motorcycle you can find. Who care’s if athletes have ruined their careers and lives on these (Williams, Jay; Ellis, Monta) I’m invincible...That right there is 10 cylinders of 500 horsepower, 350 mile-per-hour American Muscle. Dodge Tomahawk. You won't ride it, pussy.
Exotic animals: Siberian tigers, orangutans, blue whales, ligers, centaurs.
Stock in Enron. Because I’m THAT fucking rich….bitch.
Private 747 jumbo jet…..Oops, not that rich.
Weapons. Guns, katanas, heavy artillery canons, Moonraker lasers, Scud Missles, etc. You have everything else you want and need but know you can’t spend the hundreds of millions it costs to own your own 747. So you buy weapons to cope. Nothing says I’M RICH like being able to kill your entire family, or put a hole in your leg, with one inadvertent move.
Read the article here: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3791174
Merry Christmas Happy Chanuka Happy Kwanzaa
And happy holidays for whatever you celebrate. Now, if someone can please explain the concept of a Pan-African holiday? Last time I checked there were tons of cultures in the motherland. ha, I almost confused Kwanzaa w/Kazaa
This picture is so sexy. So, so, sexy. It gets my dick hard. Yeah, Econ gets me excited. Or maybe it’s that professor who taught that Econ class junior year. She was smoking. An absolute fox. Or was smoking. I honestly wish we had crossed paths with her being 30 years junior.
I took AP Lit Senior year in high school. Eccentric, insightful, and funny all describe my teacher. And old, definitely in her early 60s. And hot. Seriously. About a month into class I theorized (and staunchly defended myself) my English teacher to have been a beauty in her younger years. Disbelief, my friends displayed, and numerous arguments proceeded.
Until one day in the spring semester when teacher needed a substitute for a few days. Out went the sexagenarian, in came her second year at University niece. Teaching a room full of second semester seniors. Whom had already been accepted into college. I know you made the assumption already, but she’s hot. Like “I’d love to stay behind after class to rewind that video for the fifth period class while you call your boyfriend” or “I’d love nothing more than to bend you over that overhead projector” type hot. Then look away when you realize she overheard you and is eyeing you down with that “awwwk-waaaard” look on her face.
From the Associated Press
Oil Sinks to Four Year Low
“OPEC yesterday agreed to slash 2.2 million barrels from its daily production – its single largest cut ever – while bloc outsiders Russia and Azerbaijan announced their own cutbacks of hundreds of thousands of barrels from the market…
...Crude oil sank to $40.20 after the announcement, a level not seen since the summer of 2004”
Look at the picture above and pretend like my motor skills aren’t shit and I can draw straight lines. I’ll spare you all the basics you already know. But If you’re an erudite citizen and astute observer of 60 Minutes, or if you’re just too lazy to change the channel after the 4pm football game, you’ll know the Saudi’s – and OPEC et al. by proxy – aim to keep the price of oil at $75. That would be represented by P1Q1, a price where oil producers can reap the profits of rectangle D+E+F+K+J+I+H. As well as create deadweight loss G+L.
Oil is not at $75. And since prices can’t arbitrarily be raised – the Y-Axis is the dependent variable, fool – OPEC must decrease output. Peep the block quotes, yo. They decreased production and instead of price rising up to P2 they actually dropped.
The demand for oil is changing, decreasing. Maybe everyone fears a recession in which oil consumption vastly decreases, or maybe everyone’s just afraid of being unable to unload their oil contracts…and possibly having to take physical delivery of thousands of barrels.
So what does this mean? It means Busta Rhymes is NOT getting that Arab money. Because the Arabs aren’t getting money at all! Oil isn’t as profitable (for the time being) as it used to be (a scant 7 months ago). Busta’s song came out at a trough in oil prices. WHAT A JOKE. Hey, Busta, next time you want to extol the virtues of gettingMiddle Eastern money, make sure there is still money to be gotten in the first place.
Unless he’s talking about distributing some Middle Eastern vein candy: heroin. There may be money in that, I don’t know. All the baseheads I’ve talked to have already substituted away from heroin to the much cheaper, more attainable, and much more American drug of Crystal Meth. All you need is a gallon of Clorox, battery acid and a bath tub! It’s so simple, anyone can make it.
Fast forward to the late-nite (We have to do this because I don’t even remember the club that night). We’re back at my place, drinking 40s or shots of Crat, some people playing Wii in the room next, me doing nothing, unless you count yayo as something, in which case I was doing a lot of something. And had been doing so since around 9. Most people go to bed around 3:30, but my really drunk best friend did not live nearby so crashed hard on my bed. And then of course the star of the story, she stayed as well because she needed to “sober up” before she could drive home to wherever the eff she lived. Obviously, I suggested the white panacea. She said fine. I did more too for good measure. Then obvi we made out. There is a line you cross when you do too much yayo. You start to feel as if you can do/say anything during that five minute rush. So I did. Convo went something like this (and remember, there was another person in the room):
“I realllly want to do a line off your tits” (Who says that?? Answer, ME)
“Ok” (What kind of girl says Yes? Answer: In 15 years, poss the woman YOU marry) She wasn’t even undressed, this statement actually convinced her to take off her shirt. I did the line, and then a little later,
“I want to do a line off your leg” (No way this can work but YES, she takes off her pants and I do it)
So yea she’s down to the panties, I’m yayed as Fuck , and she’s S-ing the D when HER bright idea, not mine, is to do more coke:
“Now I want to do a line off your D” or something like that. Now I know this sounds good, but realize 1) I paid for the coke 2) she had already been going down on my D so it was a pretty terrible and wasteful surface 3) the numbing factor. My answer: “Sure.”
She pours some out and just blows a line off my D like it was no biggie. The coke whore than does another bump off it and gets back to work.
You would think this was baller, but of the 3 reasons I listed before, the numbing issue proved to be the worst. I couldn’t feel my D for like 30 minutes, seriously. That’s awful. It’s hard enough to find a (passably/marginally) attractive girl to S your D already, to have her S your numb (but still hard, don’t get the wrong idea) D is almost a waste. And boring. I started to watch SportsCenter for a while actually. Like WTF!!! coked out with a bitch S-ing my D and I had to watch Mavs highlights to stay alert??!?!
It was AWFUL!! Like, Fuck yea it was baller and made me think I was Rick James for a minute or 30, and yea, everytime dudes say things like “Why don’t you just have her blow a line off your D” or something I can laugh to myself that I’ve been there done that, but nothing is more frightening than not feeling your D for 30 fucking minutes! Moral of the story, yea it seems baller to do it, but don’t let a girl do a line off your D. It’s not even about the wastefulness of it. It fucking sucks. The second last thing anyone (even you) wants when they have a naked bitch ready to go is a numb D (I say 2nd for you limp D kids out there). Or a hard-on watching Erick Dampier wrestle Shaq for position on SportCenter
Yet another follower has found the light. Enlightened, this person has decided to take the reins and guest blog. I couldn't be happier. Like a proud father watching his only son that made it. Hopefully, this won't turn into Nas vs Jay-Z (props to you if got the Ether reference). In fact, I guarantee it wont. I'm actually not quite sure who the guest blogger is. Totally just got an anonymous e-mail and BOOM. New contributor.
Enjoy the fresh writing. Pickle Surprise's debut was riotously funny. Let's see what happens next.
Seventy-five percent of all Armani Exchange, A|X, items the Metro New York Area are sold to Long Island/New Jersey meathead guidos.
Over at Ed Hardy, a whopping 92.3% of all sales are to meaty gweeds. It's true. I looked it up. Next time you go out on a 28 degree Saturday night and see a Christian Audigier T-Shirt – yes T-shirt – it’s more than likely draped across a gweed who’s wider than he is tall, who just spent 5 hours at Gold’s blasting his biceps, and who another 2 at Sunset Tan getting his “glow” on.
I wish I had more hands, so I can give those Ed Hardy clad titties four thumbs down.
Musings
Is it just me, or does Hank Paulson seem completely overwhelmed and in over his head?
Do the Cowboys win games because of Tony Romo, or despite Tony Romo? The Giants looked like shit last night. So much for best team in the NFL. The coaches need to come back down to Earth and let Plax play, hole-y leg and all.
BURN. I don’t think anyone is surprised though. McCain and O-Dog Obama were just about neck and neck up till Sept or so. Wonder what led to the electoral rout?
Easy Winter Fashion for Women
I got it, girls (girl, actually, no one reads this thing) you can thank me later. High boots + Skinny Jeans + Pea Coat = Hot. Damn hot. And chic. I know, I was a math major. The jeans must, must, be skinny. No exceptions. Why do designers make women’s jeans in any style other than skinny. It’s all about flattery when it comes to denim. Comfort is an ancillary consideration. You rock the jeans to make your ass look good and to make you look taller. You can do it, you’ll be a model one day with those loooong legs!...just never take off your Sevens.
I just admitted it, ladies we're looking at your butts. Every time you walk away, and for the blessed few, when you walk towards us. All guys do it. You knew it, but just didn't really want to come to terms with it. Does that come across as shallow? Yes. It sure does. But if I willingly decrease my sperm count every time I slip on the slim fit A-Pockets,have to throw my junk to one side because the crotch is NON-EXISTANT and feel like this
then there’s no reason every girl can’t rock skinny jeans. Except, you know, for the whole fitting into them thing.
I had a girl come up to me once and remark on how great my Diesels look, and then she added “nice circumcision too.”
Ha, this didn’t actually happen. But it’s one tight-panted, ill-advised, public boner from occurring. I was only wearing slim fits, not skinnies. I tried a pair on once though, one of my balls went back up into my stomach. I had to give myself an abdominal Heimlich to get it back down...Actually that is also false. I couldn't get those suckers up over my knees and hopped around the floor in my boxers trying to shed them. Yeah, it was during a sample sale, no dressing rooms here. Embarrassing? Of course not, I got to show off my junk. In any case, guys who wear skinny jeans must do the up flip.
Obama? That guy's in the news Only 36 days until Obama’s inauguration. This means Bush has 35 more days to pardon himself and the let’s-go-to-war-so-I-can-funnel-money-into-my-energy-and- security- companies mastermind behind the past 8 years, the incomparable, the indicted Dick Cheney.
Bush deserves the pass, we all know he was trying to live up to his dad’s ideals, and just fell short. Very short. Cheney on the other hand is an outright criminal. Does anyone else think pardoning him would be the equivalent of pardoning OJ. Just imagine the headlines.
January 19: Bush pardons self, Cheney
January 20: Barack Obama inaugurated as first half-black President
January 21: Obama Pardons OJ Simpson
January 22:Obama impeached
January 23: 28th Amendment Passed, All Minorities Banned from Executive Office, Thanks to OJ. Sucks for you, Bobby Jindal.
Must be nice to know you’re getting just a slap on the wrist, Dick. Since journalists, and most Americans, embody Jeffersonian thinking, they'll call Obama the first black President. One drop rule, y'all.
Monday Night Stories
I was riding the trusty 4 train back home and saw a dude doing pull-ups (hey, a palindrome) on the car. On a packed Train. Hilarious. Can’t fault the dude though. Gym memberships are way, too expensive up here. Still though, he’s not as bad as the guy doing pull up on the scaffolding across the street from the Pinkberry in Union Square.
Even more hilarious. I was cutting across a park to get home where some kids were playing soccer. The goalposts were trashcans. Not those weak-sauce mesh cans, but those cast iron fuckers. Some kid goes to head the ball and dives headfirst into a can. The kid stayed down for like 2 minutes too. I felt bad, but damn…that’s funny.
Throwback Rhyme of the Day
“I remember magic city before the freak nik Before the police started all that weak shit
All the big hoes...Get loose wit it All the skinny hoes let Bruce Bruce hit it Let a nigga fuck tonight”
And those are the cleanest lyrics in the song.
That comes from Too Short’s 2004, maybe it was 2004, I don’t really know; hit Shake that Monkeyft.Lil’ Jon.
FYI, this is Bruce Bruce. Or as my buddy says, “a boy so fat they had to name it twice.”
It's more like let Bruce Bruce smother it.
Bet you forgot about Too Short, huh? With good reason, dude was not a good rapper. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say he was pretty terrible. Speaking of which, Crunk just fell off, hard. Just like Cash Money before it, Crunk rose and fell. With meteoric speed.
Despite Crunk's death, I'm proud to admit that I fuckinglove Put Yo Hood Up. My car didn't have a solid system, or much else for the matter, so I used to ride around in my mom's whip and bump some Lil' Jon while cruising around the city. Nothing screams street cred more than bumping Lil' Jonaround the suburbs.
I don't know why I like it so much. Maybe because I could write this song...While drunk. And hanging upside down by my ankles. Underwater.
Felations: nInvented by myself, a portmanteau of the words fellatio and relations used to describe a relationship on "third base" but has yet to slide into home. It can go both ways in depicting pleasantries given/received by either gender. Why? Because cunnilations sounds stupid.
Tara Reid's and that rando dude who was in Rookie of the Year's relationship in American Pie can be described as a felationship.
This story took place in the Fall of 2007. I had just stumbled back from a party. I had already consumed too much booze and snorted too many lines and I was ready to drink more and hop back on the horse for a few more hours at an afterparty, but the girl I came back with (Laura) didn't give me that option. Laura dragged me into my apartment and I really didn't feel any need to assert myself and keep partying since hooking up and late nighting are perfect substitutes as far as I'm concerned. We were hooking up in my bed and--in a rush mentally--I quickly got our clothes off. I was focused, I had no patience on that night. Of course, she wanted to do more beforehand and I understood, so I continued doing nearly everything that one can do before banging. Finally, she told me that she really wanted me to go down on her. I'm pretty indifferent towards it, but my rule in bed is that I'll do close to anything if I know the girl will enjoy it. But Laura wasn't shaven, and although this is common, for whatever reason, on this night, I was not tolerating it.
Then suddenly, I had a thought. I didn't tell her no, despite not wanting to do it, nor did I just suck it up and do it, I didn't even say a word to her, I just got up, went to my bathroom and started rummaging through my cabinet with the urgency of a man who had snorted a half gram of yay earlier in the night (...oh wait). I came back to my bedroom about thirty seconds later with the object that I had been searching for and moved my trash can towards the bed.
"Landing strip or all off?" I asked, as if this were a normal question.
There was a long awkward pause.
"...........Landing strip" Laura Replied. There wasn't even a hint of shock in her voice. In retrospect, this is surprising.
The object was an electric shaver, I immediately plugged it in, did some threshing, and, once satisfied with my work, began muff diving.
I crossed a line I didn't even know existed. At a loss for a reasonable explanation, I can only quote the wise words of the late Rick James: "Cocaine is a hell of a drug." My mind was jumping rapidly from place to place. I went straight from thinking, "I don't feel like it" to realizing "Wait i have an electric shaver!!!!" as opposed to just choosing whether to go down or not to go down. But what the hell, at least it showed initiative if nothing else. When I woke up the next morning the girl was gone and I had a pounding headache. I thought that I might have just imagined the last night's occurrence but one look into my metal mesh trash can gave me all of the evidence I needed (and more than I wanted). Anyway, Laura and I no longer talk, I don't think it was because of this specific incident, but probably because I have a dysfunctional lifestyle that leads to such ridiculous shit. I'm pretty sure think she's dating someone now. He should thank me.
This fine, fine blog is up to 7 readers...that I know of. There may be some other randos who frequent the site, but I doubt it.
In any case, I finally conned one of you MFers to join me in the fray. This blogger hails from one of these city in the marshland that is the east coast. A humid cesspool replete with liberal assholishness.
I was going to ask him/her to post links to random, funny articles. But I didn't want this site to turn into a giant gate for The Onion. So Mr/s PickleSurprised him/herself will be posting stories of his/her ("it's" would work more efficiently) varied misadventures, as well as other stuff I'm sure which swirls around in it's dome piece.
Stay tuned good things to ensue...in other news
I called Oklahoma beating Mizzou 55-28. The final was 62-21. I nailed the over/under. Stuff like this wants to make me a gambling man.
I also called Florida beating Bama 45-31. 76 points? There goes my gambling streak.
Like my simultaneously satirical yet insightful writing? Leave a comment Hate my writing? Leave a comment Hate me and wish I’d choke on a chicken bone? Leave a comment Want to argue about college football? Please, leave a comment Want to guest blog? Leave a comment with your gmail address and I’ll give you permission. Note: Make a random gmail address, I know you don’t want your name associated w/this site. I don’t even have my name on this site.
I was in the store the other day and was picking up some juice. I bypasses my staple Apple Juice and my morning Orange Juice for a bottle of Orange-Pineapple Juice. The stuff is mind blowing. I can’t wait to mix it with entirely too much vodka, black out, find a random bathroom and vomit my brains out while I pass out; and then abhor the mere scent of Orange-Pineapple juice for the next two years. It’s that good.
Just to add to today’s sports greatness: college hoops and boxing. Can this day get any better, sporting wise? Hoops is headlined by the second and third best teams in North Carolina: DUKE and Davidson. Boxing is Oscar De La Hoya (still?) versus some dude. Mmm, violence.
In movies sometimes back-up characters steal scenes and end up being more memorable than the leads; Thanksgiving dinner has the same thing. Wherein a side dish ends up stealing the meal. This year it was the sweet potatoes. I couldn’t get enough of those things. I asked my aunt, and she said instead of cooking it with water or whatever liquid you normally use she used Orange-Pineapple Juice. Is there anything this juice can’t do?
Tomorrow is the last day of the college football regular season. It’s sad. However, like sex, movies, and movies that depict sex, the best comes right before the end – literally. Tomorrow is conference championship game day. Where the ACC, Big 12, and SEC will hold their championships contests. The Pac-10 will also feature a high profile rivalry game. It’s 9 hours of all you can watch football.
In high school I’d go over to a friends house to watch the games and alternatively take parts in bouts of Halo during boring stretches. Or rather get my ass beat in Halo. Complain. Convince everyone to play NCAA. Then destroy everyone with USC RB #5 and USC WR #1. In college I spent most Saturday afternoons drinking Busch Light and never got around to watching much of these games. But tomorrow, I’m parking myself on a couch somewhere with a case of the aforementioned and watching 9 hours. As long as it’s exciting, of course. Here are the games and my predictions. As always, completely uninfluenced by any sports media source, only subject to my biases.
USC vs. UCLA
When the Trojans last went to Pasadena in 2006 they lost 13-9 and cost themselves the opportunity to blow out OhioState and win another national title. I can’t fathom some of USC’s losses. Stanford? OregonState? I honestly think once a year Pete Carroll takes a game in which he’s hugely favored, puts down a ton of money against USC and makes just enough bad defensive calls to cost him the game. This can be the only explanation. That already happened this year, and with an outside shot at the title game no way USC shits the bed…again. Trojans win 31- 6
Missouri vs. Oklahoma
I can’t decide what I’d prefer: a stunning loss to the Tigers ruining the Sooners’ season or a blowout loss to the Gators in the title game. If OU wins they’re in. If they lose USC has a shot, but so does Texas which—unfairly—didn’t even win its conference. I’ll take common sense here. Sam Bradford and his ridiculous 46-6 touchdown to int ratio will lead the Sooners to vitory. All I’m asking, Mizzou, is you hold them under 60. That is all. Sooners win 55-28
BostonCollege vs. Virginia Tech
Ugggh. Thank God this is a noon game and I’ll still be asleep. How does neither Georgia Tech nor FloridaState play for the ACC? The only time I’ve seen either team play was when BC beat an anemic FSU team.Since BC is associated with the city of Boston, I’ll take VaTech. Hokies win 20-13
Alabama vs. Florida
No. 1 vs No. 2 in the AP. This game should be the primetime match-up, it’ll be great. UF is all speed and Bama has beastly D and O lines. Looking at common opponents Bama beat LSU 27-21, Florida beat them 51-21. Bama beat Georgia 41-30 (score not indicative of ass whooping) and Tennessee 29-9.UF beat UGA 49-10, and the Vols 30-6. Oh, and Bama also beat the Ole Miss team UF lost too. What does this show us? Nothing. I’ve never been a big fan of looking at common opponents, since football is all about matchups. Getting receiver X isolated against safety Y or linebacker Z etc. etc.
So after wasting a paragraph of your time, I’m predicting Florida’s speed to run Bama off the field. The Tide will score late to make the score respectable. Gators win 45-31
Get it? Because concentrate comes in a can and OJ just got…forget it.
Back in 1994 when I was a wee lad in elementary school I watched the verdict from The Juice’s murder trial. This would finally put an end to the huge ordeal which pre-empted my favorite shows. The chase pre-empted the NBA Finals. The Finals! Ewing vs Olajuwon. What the hell NBC? I’ve been waiting my entire life for the Knicks to finally get by the Bulls and play in the finals and you pre-empt it with this? That school day was better than any film strip day. My teacher turned down the lights, turned on the tv, and anxiously watched with us. I remember feeling happy, after the verdict, as though it made up for the Knicks losing the NBA finals the summer prior. I also remember numerous classmates displaying an emotion somewhere in the center of the Venn diagram of sadness, anger, and confusion. I’ll take it. I was satisfied. If only I could talk to OJ now… Dear Juice,
“WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?” Leave well enough alone, man. You got off on a murder charge (note that I did not say get away with murder, big differentiation, here), do you know how lucky you were? Yeah, you lost the civil suit, which in turn stripped you of your wealth and earnings, but take it. Pare down your lifestyle, live a little more cheaply, and bide your time until you can make a semi-comeback in Naked Gun 17. Here’s what you don’t do. You don’t break the law or making any negative news. That involves not stealing satellite, kidnapping, robbing, or publishing a book about how you “would have” committed a double murder. Yeah I know you’re broke, and pissed off every cent you make goes to the Browns and Goldmans, and even more pissed that someone else owns your sports heirlooms. I get it, Juice, you’re in a bad spot, but deal with it. Johnny Cochran’s dead. Who’s going to get you off this time? Kim Kardashian’s dad? Oh, wait, he’s also dead. You know it’s bad when the crux of your defense is “don’t judge my client on his previous trial.” You know you were fucked, probably from the minute you pulled out the gun in the Vegas hotel. And now you’re going to jail for up to 33 years, where someone’s going to do to you what was done to Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction. Hope you enjoy it, for at least the next nine years. Could the life you live in freedom be worse than prison?
Maybe it is, you’re broke. Maybe you’re looking forward to prison so you can get 3 squares a day. Or, like Jada says, be one of those cats who “go to jail just to get their teeth fixed.” In any case you better have some pearly whites when, or if, you ever get out.
You could’ve avoided all of this, OJ. See what happens when you marry a white girl? Sincerely
-J A couple of months ago CNN interviewed Nicole Brown’s father to get his reaction to the verdict. Mr. Brown took an almost perverse sense of pleasure in seeing the guilty verdict. Guess he can finally die a happy man. Wouldn’t it be ironic, though, if OJ somehow rebuilt his wealth (book deal, perhaps?) from prison, got out at the age of 94 and, for one day on his deathbed, got to be a free, rich man. Like things were before he became a household name. Maybe that’s his ultimate goal. To convince Mr. Brown that he’s ultimately vanquished his nemesis, only to return for one last day of glory. That’d be one shitty plan.
The best thing about living in New York: the abundance of hotness pervading the city. The cutie standing a few feet away from you is the only thing making your subway ride worthwhile when you're packed in like sardines on an overcrowded 4 train. While a fat guy "discreetly" tries to grab your junk November 23- 29
November 29
Your high boots, blonde hair, and-- you guessed it-- skinny jeans. You walked onto that 4 train at 103rd street and right into my heart.* I wondered why you got on at 103rd, until I saw the black guy you came on with...and the ring on your hand. We all know it's socially unacceptable for you, Ms. Petite Blonde, to be betrothed to one of African descent; I know he's your secret lover on the side. But hey girl, ditch that guy... I'll be your secret mandingo lover on the side.
Why was the 4 train at 103? Construction Why was I at 103? Looking for sneakers Picture? Every time I hear mandingo I think of kangaroos.
