Gilbert Arenas Plays for the Bullets

Per ESPN

Washington Wizards teammates Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton drew guns on each other during a Christmas Eve locker room argument over a gambling debt, according to the New York Post...

At practice Friday afternoon, Arenas declined to answer questions about the allegations the New York Post and Yahoo! Sports reported. However, he did address the reports of the allegations, telling local TV station WJLA: "I like the story, it's intriguing."

Then, in response to questions whether anything had taken place between him and Crittenton, Arenas said: "I don't know."

Oh black people. I bet this game was over a game of dice.

So Agent Zero aka Hibachi aka Mr. Quality Shots aka Mr. I don't know how to shave my pubes has a gun. And may have pulled it out in his team's locker room (at least that's all that was pulled out, right?) Even crazier

Anyway, the only reason to post this is for the delicious pun. Oh, it's fantastic. I'm sure you get it, but I'll take the time and provide a smarmy, shit-eating explanation. You see, the team Gilbert plays for - the Washington Wizards - used to go by the name of the Washington Bullets. And Gilbert owns a gun. Presumably, he also owns bullets. Not only does he literally play for (what used to be) the Bullets; but he also spends money on bullets. So he doubly works for the bullets.

That Got Weird, Quick

So I'm watching the Maury Povich show, like right now. Where do they find these people? Could they be hiring actors to play out whatever erupts from the producer's minds? Jerry Springer used to do that, but by then they were doing "Strippers abducted by UFO" stories. Obvious BS.

The stuff on Maury sounds...plausible. And it's always, always, one simple premise: "Are You The Baby Daddy!?!?!?!?" They will never, ever, run out of people to put on these shows. Well, maybe if people stop having sex. Sometimes they'll switch it up. From the vanilla "are you the daddy?" to the exotic "did you father both of these women's babies?" to the saddening "I got 6 babies by 7 women" ( yeah, I said 6 by 7, you figure out how that works).

Meet Jamar (note: I made this name up)who was brought onto the show not by one, but by two separate women. Both of whom claim Jamar to be the baby daddy -ohhh, snap!

Pleas of "He's the only person I ever slept with" and "I'm 100% sure he's the daddy" are met by

"You stank ass tricks, I ain't nobody's baby."

Maybe Maury should spring for some grammar lessons in addition to the paternity test. Jamar is indeed the father, D'oh! Dude is screwed.


But here's the kicker....


Wait for it.....

The two girls -not women, girls - are cousins. Gross. Not from the dude's standpoint (Hey man, I just boned to cousins!) but from everything else. Look at the babies.

We're first cousins (once removed) AND half siblings. Yayyy!!!!

Gross. Is there even a spot on the chart for that?

Sasha Fierce

Oh heeeey. Beyonce is back. And pantsless. Yes! Those hips are ridiculous.



Now we see why Lady Gaga always wears a mask. Not to hate or anything...but seriously, that's probably why. Maybe she can pile on some more make-up (unlikely) and then try to hold a candle to Beyonce. Physically, that is. Aurally, she's fantastic. My friend's girlfriend went to high school with Lady Gaga - she's from NYC - and claims she's pretentious and full of herself. Never would've guessed that.

Peruvian's Take Fight Club A Little Too Seriously

Read this article. Read it, read it, read it. It's a real quick read. And if you don't read it, I've summarized! I'm that sweet.

Police in Peru have broken up a gang that allegedly killed dozens of people in order to extract and sell their fat for use in cosmetics, according to media reports.

So is that worse than getting murked for drugs in Mexico?

Two were arrested at a bus station while carrying bottles of liquid fat, he says. The suspects told police it was worth about $60,000 a gallon.

Sounds pretty lucrative.

Mejía said on of the suspects, Elmer Segundo Castillejos, told officers that the gang would cut off a victim's head, arms and legs, remove the organs, and then drain the fat into tubs.

Holy shit, I think I don't know if I'd prefer that or a bullet in the head. It's like that scene in Scarface where they cut off Angel's arm in the shower. Except they'd also chainsaw off his other limbs. And head. Then open him up and scoop up the fat. Probably through a straw. Eww.

At least that lends perspective to Bloomberg's subway ads.
Don't be fat! Otherwise chainsaw wielding Peruvians will, like BIG said, do you in. As in, mutilate your body, harvest your lard, and sell it to make Estee Lauder's new line of foundation.

The Precipitous Decline of Limp Bizkit

I try to read Slate.com. I really do. But it's just so hard for their writers to not come across as a bunch of smug, shit eating hipsters. It's like they write their stories then break out a thesaurus to replace every word with a 4 syllable (at least) synonym. Ever see that South Park where they move to San Francisco and everyone goes around inhaling their own farts? If those guys worked for a website, it'd be Slate. You're smart. I get it.

Vitriolic digression aside, they do have some compelling stories, if one can get through an entire article (not a trait you want in an online magazine, btw), like this story on Limp Bizkit.
Or, more correctly, this story defending The Bizkit.

Back in 2005 some dude asked a friend of mine, during a workshop of some kind, what kind of music we thought he listened to. "You look like you listen to Limp Bizkit". The guy stood there in stunned disbelief; like "did this kid really just say that?"This is in 2005, mind you. Just 5 years earlier they sold over a million records in a week. Those there be some Hannah Montana numbers. People must have liked them.What in the world changed opinion? Did they really suck? They were always -always - on TRL.Remember those TRLs? Remember rushing home after school to watch Carson Daly verbally fellate 'n slurp whatever band was on for the day? Remember the 10 minute commercial breaks? Remember them only showing about 2 minutes of each video only to return to commercial? Remember it being the SAME FUCKING VIDEOS on every single day until they mercifully "retired" them after 65 airings? Remember the empty feeling of "wait, why was I anticpating this so much" you felt immediately after? Good times.

So, did they really suck? If so, how'd they get so popular despite their suckitude? To find out I dug into my piles of junk and pulled out my burned copy (free at that) of their cd Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water. That's right. Judge me... asshole.

And yes, it does suck. Whatever the opposite of lyrical genius is, Fred Durst embodies it. Rolling is pretty great. Gotta love the guest spots by Redman, DMX, and the M-E-T-H-O-D, man.

Wu-Tang for life.

In retrospect, most popular music from that time sucked too (re: boy bands) so lets chalk their popularity up to that. And, btw, the blowhard Slate columnist JonahWeiner even admits they suck in the article.

Next Time: Linkin Park.

YES

Hibachi!

From the mouth of Gilbert Arenas

When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers.

http://basketbawful.blogspot.com/2008_07_01_archive.html

You Like That Republican Cock?

Long ago, when I first started this esteemed website, I planned on writing a multi part comparison on Washington DC versus New York City. Obviously, I never got around to finishing it. I used transportation or some other random rubric for judgment. I was going to compare other shit, like museums, nightlife, etc. but eff that.

But then I read a FANTASTIC, if not more than subtly biased, article about the DC social scene. I'll link to it later, but only after a massive, multi-paragraph lead in you'll soon grow sick of. Trust me, the article is hilarious.

During my last trip to the District I was astounded by one particular aspect: DC is full of ugly people. There are some seriously unattractive people in that city. A dearth of eye candy. Of any major metropolitan area I have ever been to, DC has got to be the least appealing, aesthetically. It wasn't like I was slumming it either, I was in Georgetown. And it wasn't like I had New York goggles on, everyone there was legitimately...ugly.

Of course, to compare such a beat city to NYC would've been just unfair. New York City, the city where girls walk their dogs through Washington Sq. Park whilst wearing make-up and stilettos. And not just one or two, like tons of them. Turning a lazy late afternoon reading of American Psycho on a park bench into an exercise in people watching. Which turns into NYU wannabe socialite girl watching. Which turns into you glazing over the words in the book as you think of ways to shamelessly hit on one of them. Which, in actuality, they're expecting. Because seriously, who walks their dogs in stilettos?
So you get up and move over to Tompkins Sq. Park aka Heroin Sq. Park . And there tons more girls there, all fully made up adorned in mini skirts and heels, and you think " I fucking love this city." Until you come across the East Village Girl. The EVG is the white chick with dreads who looks like she hasn't showered since Ja Rule was getting top-40 spins. Who in reality hasn't showered since then. How else does she turn that smooth flaxen hair into a tangled birds nest. The girl with a little too much hair on her forearms and probably spends her Saturday nights in Williamsburg warehouses "dancing" with dudes wearing jean shorts (designer, of course).

The point of yet another anti hipster tangent: the East Village Girl is still more desirable than what DC has to offer. I was hanging out with a fellow alum in DC one time when she casually mentioned explained why she chose the District over NYC.

Her: I feel like I have more opportunity down here.
Me: Wait, sexually? Or career-wise?
Her: Both.

And there you have it. DC, where people who couldn't cut it socially resign themselves to living. Or a place to go is you're not shallow enough to get dressed up for a dog walk (aka unattractive). [And yes, that previous statement is based entirely on anecdotal evidence and there is limited verifiable proof to back up my assertions]So, I wondered, how does a clubgoer go out in a city?


And then I came across this, THE article. Turns out most of the hot, desirable poon and eligible poon chasers all congregate together via Late Night Shots. A veritable Facebook meets Juicy Campus of the Washington DC douchebag social scene.

Late Night Shots caters to Washington’s hard-partying preppy crowd. Think of a new generation of young Republicans getting trashed at St. Elmo’s, hooking up, then writing about it at 3 in the morning. The bar-scene-themed Web site launched in late spring 2006 and has since branched out to four other cities. But it’s nowhere near as popular anywhere else as it is here in D.C. Founder[s]... say they make enough money from Google ads and banner ads to abandon outside employment.

Can't hate on the founds for turning social networking into some smooth cash. But I thought blabbing about take-downs to anyone willing to listen went out with Juicy Campus. It's expected you tell your friends, but announcing it to all - and conversely searching for hook up gossip seems pretty petty. I guess in the real world who's banging who talk is still all the rage.

The online profiles show a population dominated by good- looking blondes and smirking guys with athlete’s shoulders. They attended the University of Virginia,.. UNC, and a smattering of pretty-good-but-not-Ivy schools in the South and Mid-Atlantic.

Pssh, losers.

But they do have some great euphemisms for getting ass

lingo ranges from abstruse to obvious. In addition to “takedowns” and “going to poundtown” or “PT” (getting laid),

Nice, the takedown is a classic, if not very one-sided. Poundtown sounds like a fun as hell amusement park. The amusement park loses value, however, when a pick up line like "you like that republican cock?" can get you in there. I'm going to the next NYC Young Republicans event, single out the one girl that looks like she might be into black guys and BOOM! hit her with some across the aisle bipartisan, interracial intercourse. Because, seriously, how many black GOPers do you know?


http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/display.php?id=2008