Weekend Relief

Growing old sucks. Like really sucks. I just realized that over some Coors Light, Sun Chips, and steak.

No.

I actually realized that when I graduated college.

But a big part of growing old is maintaining one's health. That's pretty tantamount, there. So after these same Coors Lights, Sun Chips, and steak I know I'll be hitting the gym. Downing some protein. And munching on some...multivitamins. Those multis are definitely a plus. Need to keep those prostates in tact. It's crazy to think that we'll have to actually think about prostates. That in itself scares me. From having it occasionally fingered during a beej to having it violated, annually, by latex clad hands and cold metal.

Need those multis.

I'm a big fan of Source of Life.

I have a friend. He's not into multivitamins. But he takes zinc pills. Just zinc. Because all you need is zinc. Zinc, zinc, zinc. Ziiiiiiiiiiiiinc. What the fuck does zinc do, anyways?

He takes zinc so he can blow huge loads. Huge fucking loads. Right onto his boyfriends face.

Because he "loves giving facials".

It's good to see people better their health for the most superficial of reasons. Shit, it's the only reason for the existence of gyms. I can't remember ever seeing an actual fat person at the gym. ...If only lifting weights somehow also enabled you to blast some giant, Peter North type loads. It'd be the most superficially beneficial thing ever. Tons more guys would go to the gym.

Facial have to be something gay couples do better than heteros. I've never messed with a girl who'd be down for a Houdini. At the very best, they've had pretty salty (HA!) reactions to it.

I need to met some new girls.

So I put my friend onto the Source of Life, because it has 100% dv of zinc.

Anyways, this story reminded me of this video. You remember Trillville, right?

Man, this is one of the dirtiest songs I've heard since Oochie Wally. Or How Many Licks.


You know what the best part of this song is?

The dude singing falsetto in the background. Listen to him say my balls in the hook.

Tests to Determine is You've Even Seen a Drug

Richard Gasquet is a 23 year old French tennis player. And an avid fan of going shirtless in Romanian strip clubs.

After a positive cocaine test, tennis' governing body had banned him for 2.5 months. He faced a much, much, longer suspension unless he could come up with a damn fucking good reason why the white gold was in his system. Gasquet:

convinced an independent anti-doping tribunal that he ingested cocaine by kissing a woman he met at a nightclub in Miami.

Sounds pretty lame, but the three member panel of judge/jury/executioner said

Gasquet consumed no more than "a grain of salt" of the drug.

So...anyone else a little chilled by this story? Not for the making out with the coked out girl or having that story fly in court...but by there being a test which can detect "a grain of salt" of cocaine in your system.

Holy shit, yo, they probably have tests to determine if you've been within 20 feet of the stuff. Aren't druggies supposed to be one step ahead of the system? How on earth have drug tests advanced this far, yet no strain of untraceable Super Cocaine exists. What the hell are they doing down there in Colombia?

Sure stimulants like caffeine help better athletic performance, but wouldn't cocaine negatively affect performance? I'm pretty the last thing on any player's mind in the midst of a 5-set marathon on a hot January day in Australian is going back to the locker room and blasting a mammoth line. But hey, I'm probably wrong. If athletes want to inhibit themselves, so be it. Tennis should just go back to providing adequate security and preventing randos dudes from STABBING the players DURING a match.

Such a shame, Seles as #1 too.

Story: http://tennis.fanhouse.com/2009/07/15/richard-gasquet-cleared-to-return/

This Can Only Lead to a Donald Duck Porno

Ever come across a piece of new so ridiculously astounding and yet of no particular meaning to almost anyone?

Lucky for you, I just did. If you saw the title of this story you figured it would be about duck cocks, you are one clairvoyant motherfucker.

Female ducks have evolved "maze-like" genitals with many twists, pouches and dead ends, in a bid to prevent rape and retain control of who fathers their offspring – while male ducks have evolved equally convoluted penises to keep up.

Now I know what you're thinking "but I took Dino Bio" and "dinosaurs, like their avian descendents, had a on size fits all- purpose, muliti-use hole to exchange genenetic information - the cloaca." Most birds do, except for ducks. Because

Ducks, especially mallards, are one of the few species of birds in which males will often rape females...In fact, of the 40 per cent of matings which are a result of forced copulations, only around four per cent are successful.

4 out of 10 matings, not just 4/10 female ducks, but matings in the duck world are rapes? Guess those crazy, maze-like vaginas come in handy!


Duck boy part on the right, girl part on the left

Full link here: http://www.cosmosmagazine.com/node/1277

Marion Barry is the Shit

With languishing sales and bankruptcy filings, how long do we have until newspaper editors stop giving two shits?

Thankfully, the tasteful editors at the Washington City Paper, threw caution to the wind when opining about the storied Marion Barry.

"...an incident that had occurred about 10 months prior, at the Democratic National Convention. At the time, Watts-Brighthaupt [the woman in question] was working on Barry’s ultimately successful re-election campaign and traveled to the Barack Obama-crowning affair. For reasons that remain murky, she ended up assigned to the councilmember’s hotel room in the Crowne Plaza hotel. Once behind closed doors, Barry allegedly asked Watts-Brighthaupt to perform oral sex on him. She refused, whereupon Barry threw her clothes out of the room and barred her from coming back in. She slept in the hotel’s parking garage, in a Cadillac Barry had rented."

And, as always some 100% authentic Marion Barry quotes,

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

And of course:

"Bitch set me up."

Russia to Exploit Africa, Denigrate to Boot.

Get it, get it! Denigrate! Get it! They’re going to insult it by making it black. Jokes on them, Africa’s already black.

Welcome to the game Russia, what took you so long? Euromericasian countries have been anally raping the Motherland for years. From slavery to Imperialism in the late 19^th century, even up through the 20^th century. Here’s a great idea: let’s have the World Bank give African countries loans they can’t possibly pay back for infrastructure projects they can’t possibly work. Power grids to nowhere? A random stadium in the middle of the jungle for one boxing match? Plenty of common sense there.

And there’s all the other stuff you’ve all heard in Diamonds are Forever. And know about Chinese oil companies pumping sweet, sweet crude out of West Africa to fund its pseudo-communist, child labor agenda.

Russia, following the Chinese, is also entering the fuck over Nigeria business. Per this news release

Russia's energy giant Gazprom has signed a $2.5bn (£1.53bn) deal with Nigeria's state operated NNPC, to invest in a new joint venture.

I bet Roman Abramovich is behind this somehow. But that's not even the best part of the story. This is.

The new firm, to be called Nigaz, is set to build refineries, pipelines and gas power stations in Nigeria.

Analysts say the move could further strengthen Russia's role in supplying natural gas to Europe.

That's right, the consortium will go by the name of Nigaz.

I hope this company becomes a public multi-national, I'd buy up that stock issuance in a heart beat. I'd be all about owning shares in Nigaz. And not just because of oil companies' intrepid machinations to make the world even more dependent on oil.

But rather, I would wake up every day and look down at my framed stock certificates and say the same thing Gerald O'Hara did when looked out onto his Tara plantation

"Look at those Nigaz making me money".

Or rather, I would wake up ever day and look down at my framed stock certificates and say the same thing Donald Sterling and Aubrey McClendon, owners of two respective NBA franchises, say

"Look at those Nigaz making me money".

Or rather, I would wake up ever day and look down at my framed stock certificates and say the same thing Gazprom's CEO says while surveying Nigerian oil fields.

"Look at those Nigaz making me money".

Ohh, the irony.

Word of the Week

Fusillade: rapid simultaneous discharge of firearms, a number of shots fired simultaneously or in rapid succession.

It's like this word came out of the GTA: Vice City. Or Menace To Society when that car pulls up at unloads - wait for a - a fusillade of bullets into Jada Pinkett's front lawn. Her kid was playing out there. Also, whenever I read that word I want to pronounce it "fullisade." Yay, dyslexia. Plus it sounds better.

So...the end of a bukkake video could described as a fusillade of...forget it.

Guess what article contained this beautful (in terms of euphony, not literal definition)word?


A Newsweek article about Mexico! Spring Break 2010: Vice City.

Meat Pie

Oh yeah, definitely need to try this one