Hibachi!

From the mouth of Gilbert Arenas

When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers.

http://basketbawful.blogspot.com/2008_07_01_archive.html

You Like That Republican Cock?

Long ago, when I first started this esteemed website, I planned on writing a multi part comparison on Washington DC versus New York City. Obviously, I never got around to finishing it. I used transportation or some other random rubric for judgment. I was going to compare other shit, like museums, nightlife, etc. but eff that.

But then I read a FANTASTIC, if not more than subtly biased, article about the DC social scene. I'll link to it later, but only after a massive, multi-paragraph lead in you'll soon grow sick of. Trust me, the article is hilarious.

During my last trip to the District I was astounded by one particular aspect: DC is full of ugly people. There are some seriously unattractive people in that city. A dearth of eye candy. Of any major metropolitan area I have ever been to, DC has got to be the least appealing, aesthetically. It wasn't like I was slumming it either, I was in Georgetown. And it wasn't like I had New York goggles on, everyone there was legitimately...ugly.

Of course, to compare such a beat city to NYC would've been just unfair. New York City, the city where girls walk their dogs through Washington Sq. Park whilst wearing make-up and stilettos. And not just one or two, like tons of them. Turning a lazy late afternoon reading of American Psycho on a park bench into an exercise in people watching. Which turns into NYU wannabe socialite girl watching. Which turns into you glazing over the words in the book as you think of ways to shamelessly hit on one of them. Which, in actuality, they're expecting. Because seriously, who walks their dogs in stilettos?
So you get up and move over to Tompkins Sq. Park aka Heroin Sq. Park . And there tons more girls there, all fully made up adorned in mini skirts and heels, and you think " I fucking love this city." Until you come across the East Village Girl. The EVG is the white chick with dreads who looks like she hasn't showered since Ja Rule was getting top-40 spins. Who in reality hasn't showered since then. How else does she turn that smooth flaxen hair into a tangled birds nest. The girl with a little too much hair on her forearms and probably spends her Saturday nights in Williamsburg warehouses "dancing" with dudes wearing jean shorts (designer, of course).

The point of yet another anti hipster tangent: the East Village Girl is still more desirable than what DC has to offer. I was hanging out with a fellow alum in DC one time when she casually mentioned explained why she chose the District over NYC.

Her: I feel like I have more opportunity down here.
Me: Wait, sexually? Or career-wise?
Her: Both.

And there you have it. DC, where people who couldn't cut it socially resign themselves to living. Or a place to go is you're not shallow enough to get dressed up for a dog walk (aka unattractive). [And yes, that previous statement is based entirely on anecdotal evidence and there is limited verifiable proof to back up my assertions]So, I wondered, how does a clubgoer go out in a city?


And then I came across this, THE article. Turns out most of the hot, desirable poon and eligible poon chasers all congregate together via Late Night Shots. A veritable Facebook meets Juicy Campus of the Washington DC douchebag social scene.

Late Night Shots caters to Washington’s hard-partying preppy crowd. Think of a new generation of young Republicans getting trashed at St. Elmo’s, hooking up, then writing about it at 3 in the morning. The bar-scene-themed Web site launched in late spring 2006 and has since branched out to four other cities. But it’s nowhere near as popular anywhere else as it is here in D.C. Founder[s]... say they make enough money from Google ads and banner ads to abandon outside employment.

Can't hate on the founds for turning social networking into some smooth cash. But I thought blabbing about take-downs to anyone willing to listen went out with Juicy Campus. It's expected you tell your friends, but announcing it to all - and conversely searching for hook up gossip seems pretty petty. I guess in the real world who's banging who talk is still all the rage.

The online profiles show a population dominated by good- looking blondes and smirking guys with athlete’s shoulders. They attended the University of Virginia,.. UNC, and a smattering of pretty-good-but-not-Ivy schools in the South and Mid-Atlantic.

Pssh, losers.

But they do have some great euphemisms for getting ass

lingo ranges from abstruse to obvious. In addition to “takedowns” and “going to poundtown” or “PT” (getting laid),

Nice, the takedown is a classic, if not very one-sided. Poundtown sounds like a fun as hell amusement park. The amusement park loses value, however, when a pick up line like "you like that republican cock?" can get you in there. I'm going to the next NYC Young Republicans event, single out the one girl that looks like she might be into black guys and BOOM! hit her with some across the aisle bipartisan, interracial intercourse. Because, seriously, how many black GOPers do you know?


http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/display.php?id=2008

Hipsters: Making Fat Cool

In a bit of news which can only originate in Williamsburg: beer bellies are now cool?

The push for popularizing pre-paunch protuberances is being led, of course, by those oh so chic hipsters. Read this article, by the New York Times no less, more proof that hipsters suck

“I sort of think the six-pack abs obsession got so prissy it stopped being masculine,” is how Aaron Hicklin, the editor of Out, explains the emergence of the Ralph Kramden. What once seemed young and hot, for gay and straight men alike, now seems passé. Like manscaping, spray-on tans and other metrosexual affectations, having a belly one can bounce quarters off suggests that you may have too much time on your hands.

At least this guy is right about spray-on tans.

The full article available here.

Or, maybe its the Times' fault. For irresponsibly printing an article rooted entirely in anecdotal evidence.

Youth Wars

That's Darth Vader next to Harrison Ford (James Earl Jones was only his voice, fool). Chewbacca is the giant dude in the back. You can guess which one is R2D2.

Original image HERE

I wish we could see how long Harrison's and Peter Mayhew's (Chewie) ties are. David Prowse's (Darth Vader) tie is way short. Makes me wonder is short ties were a 70s thing. I've been seeing these short ties around lately, but usually as a function of the dude having some enormo-steroidal knot using half the tie fabric. I'd fuck with a short tie. It reeks of nerdy chic.

I had a stat teacher in high school named Mr. Seaman. His wife was preggers when I enrolled in his class. One day someone in our class suggested he name the child "Chewbacca." Mr. Seaman, naturally, asked the student if this stemmed from their (Mr. Seaman and the student's) love of Star Wars.

Nope.

We'd be able to call his kid Chewie Seaman.

I must've laughed for the entire class period after hearing that.